Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hates Acquired in 2010

Auto Maintenance Costs: My father is a mechanic.  Every car issue I had (while living in Texas) was resolved by purchasing the parts and taking it to my dad.  This whole “pay for oil changes, tires, rotations, fuel injection cleanings, washing” thing is getting super old.  All these brainy people are trying to figure out how to make fuel out of fart fumes, great.  Why don’t you make car that doesn’t need any of this crap?  Why can’t I just pay the car note and be done?  Furthermore, this whole tires thing.  I think America has it wrong.  The streets/highways of this great country are what is wearing my tires down.  Not I.  So why do I have to buy new tires?  Shouldn’t the State of Maryland be reimbursing me for the damage they’ve done to my personal belongings?  I vote yes.

Broke (Black) Young Professionals: I’m currently young (though 26 is knocking), black and broke.  HOWEVER, I was unemployed for half of the year.  We all know money doesn’t grow on trees, so for a while I had to play the “groceries vs cable” game.  I get that.  But for those who were consistently employed for the entire year… WTF do you do with your money!?  Why is it that we can never coordinate ANY event that costs money?!  I’m a planner, I try to give people advance notice to get their finances together.  People can’t commit to bowling because it costs $20 a person.  REALLY?!  I mean… really?  I’m tired of never doing anything because everyone is broke.  Let’s do better in 2011, please.  Thanks.

Boogerwolves That Think They Are Cute: Self confidence is an amazing gift.  And curse.  I’m not the world’s expert on attractive.  Pretty to me may be ugly to someone else.  Though, I will take this time to note that every girl with light skin and long hair is not automatically pretty.  Anywho, it’s the ugly ones who are overly confident and then excessively rude that get me.  Don’t get upset because you want to pass through this super crowded section of the club and I don’t bow at your command.  A, you’re a girl and that’s not my social duty.  B, you’re face doesn’t demand that kind of action from… any of us.  So politely say excuse me as you squeeze by and work on making your rude ass attitude compensate for everything else.

Bitch Type #6: Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches (from Types of Bitches): On several occasions this year, I’ve been placed in situations with women (& men) have come at me sideways and then didn’t follow through.  I understand.  I’m small.  Smiley and not threatening looking at all.  However, I recommend you not be confused to my reaction in the following scenario –

Jerica accidentally (& gently)bumps into girl while dancing.  Jerica immediately touches her arm and says “I’m sorry”.  Girl looks at Jerica then throws her drink at her.

Queue Jerica’s inner “hood baby” who instantly goes into “What the f*ck is wrong with you?!” while screaming in your face mode.  At this point, I’m requesting that you say something back… simply follow through.  Instead, this particular female just looked at me, blankly.  Then, when we are all escorted out… you and your friends want to apologize and say it was an “accident”.  You want to throw drinks and shit…FOLLOW THROUGH.

Bill Collectors: I’m not ashamed that I got behind on the majority of my bills while unemployed.  It’s the nature of the (non)business.  During this time, I grew to understand why people hate bill collectors.  It’s not just that they call 42 times a week, but that they don’t listen.  When you called, I explained to you my situation.  I also told you that I planned to make an online payment on a certain date.  So whyyyyyy when you call are you asking me if I can make a payment today?  I can’t, I’ve already told you when I can pay.  Do I want to set up a payment with you right now with a service fee of $10?  Why the hell would I want to do that, when I can pay on-line for free?!  Do I know that this is impacting my credit? Um, yes.  How about this?  How about you take the information I give you as fact and just make notes accordingly?  You’re not going to punk me into sending you $800 I don’t have.  Sooooooo don’t waste your time, or mine.  And don’t get mad when I get an attitude.  You’re interrupting MY day and reminding me of some crap I already know about.  Thanks.  Ass wipe.

Women’s Restrooms:  I’ve always hated this but in 2010, my level of hate was revitalized.  No wonder so many women in America are without men.  You hoes are nasty!  Sometimes, simply walking in the women’s restroom at the mall makes me want to vomit.  Between the un-flushed, pee decorated toilets, toilet paper and mysterious puddles on the floor, open tampons/pads in the stalls and baby poop left on the changing tables… It’s just too much.  I realize this is a graphic description, but you need to know what I’m dealing with.  Additionally, I’m like a mom in that I I’m always wiping down counters.  At the mall, the club, wherever a counter has been left trickled with soapy water… I follow up with a dry towel.  It just irks me that no one else cares.  And the cake topper of 2010 restroom annoyances was the girl who peed in a cup, then on the floor in the restroom at the club.  In front of everyone.  And left the cup on the counter.  The only one that I DID not dry in 2010.

I promise to try to write more consistently in 2011.  Happy New Year!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Get A Ring On It?

My friend sent me a link for the following book: http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/Why+Men+Marry+Some+Women+And+Not+Others

Now, I've never been engaged, almost married or married...I'm just a girl who is a serial monogamist and believes in a silly little thing called love.  One of my best friends (Brandon) would let you know that I don't read, as such... I have no idea the details behind all these bullet points!  However, there was a particular part of this outline that caught my attention, the (chapter?) titled "The Six Basic Guidelines For Women To Get Married".  I'm going explore these suggestions and of course... give you my 2 cents.

Insist on it


Bad idea.  Have you met/spoken to/dated any men in the last decade?  If so, you'd know the following - in general, men have a fear of commitment.  Something about not wanted to be tied down to one twat for their entire life.  If you can find one that is okay with only hitting and quitting you... you've got the whole ugly stigma that marriages carries to overcome.  You will never let him watch football or play a video game again, you withhold sex, make him hang out with your mom, you generally ruin his life.  If you want to "self insist", be my guest.  However, I'm sure that will ooze through your pores and he will sense it.  If you are adamant about insisting, especially a) before he's ready b) specifically during the first few dates c) before you're in a exclusive, committed relationship d) before you've exchanged "I love you's" e) before he's missed an event he would not otherwise miss (for God or Country) to be with you...I'd suggest you be prepared to cry in a corner like a little bitch.  Don't insist, just be you.  If it's for him, it's for him.  You don't want to end up with someone forever because you "insisted".

If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on
This one isn't bad.  Just move on for the right reasons.  If you're happy (progressing, growing) but you don't hear wedding bells.. don't split.  Everyone's internal clocks tick differently.  Look at the big picture... is your haste worth 86-ing your (current) relationship status?  Don't get me wrong, I figure most people in my age bracket (25 - 30) should be past their childish ways and should be able to make this assessment in a few years.  Don't wait on someone for 8 years.  If they can deal with your ass for that long, they could have married you!

Love yourself first
This is a good one.  Do it.

Commit yourself to the idea of getting married
I believe that if you need to mentally prepare for marriage, you probably shouldn't be so pressed to have it.  Marriage is a natural progression.  If you eat, sleep, breathe marriage and it doesn't magically appear... you're going to end up being miserable.  So try this... make a list of things you don't like about yourself (not cosmetic).. and do just that.  Work on 'em.  You can even make a list of what you want in a man (not cosmetic OR superficial)... and when you meet someone... see if they possess those characteristics.  Commit to yourself, then a man, then marriage (when you're both ready).

Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance

I want to tell you to be you, appearance doesn't matter... but this is America.  And truth be told, even the most hobo of men won't approach you if you look like Amy Whinehouse.  Your milkshake still has to bring the boys to the yard.  Don't go on some crazy diet (probably not healthy) or purchase the Booty Pop (false advertising)... if you feel good about you.. it will show and people will be attracted to it.  Me, I'm a girly girl... but I'm also lazy.  I don't always do my hair, wash my face.. hell... sometimes I don't even shower everyday (just being honest).  I feel like I should be upfront about this with any man I date.  Because I'd prefer to hang out one-on-one at someone's house.. you are going to see a me you didn't see at a club, picnic, day party, happy hour, etc.  My hair will probably be all over the place and I'm likely going to be wearing a shirt with a hole in it.  That's me.  Take me or leave me.  This is hit or miss.  I guess I've been lucky? 

Time is running out—use time wisely in your search for the marrying man


What does this even mean?  Is there some sort of final mark-down clearance special on marriage?  I thought I'd be married, barefoot and preggars with my first kid by now.  In actuality, I'm single, drinking tons of Barefoot Moscato and fearing getting fat (via pregnancy) but welcome the huge boobs it will bring.  I do feel old sometimes, but rushing... blueprinting...scheduling a marriage P(lan) O(f) A(ction) probably won't get me there any faster. 

There is no magic trick, formula, outline.  Give it time.  You should only do this once.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

24 Things...

1) When I was little, my dream was to be Miss America. I had a portfolio and a few gigs, but quit modeling because my older cousin did. To this day, I somehow still think it’s my mom’s fault that I’m not Miss America.

2) I’m a shopaholic. Once, to prove that I wasn’t… I went on a hiatus. I didn’t buy anything (other than food) for 3 whole weeks. It was a terrible, terrible experience and it hurts thinking about it.

3) When I was in 8th grade, I missed cheerleading try-outs because I was the assistant director for the drama clubs one act play “The Bad Seed”. I was really sad about it, but they ended up holding a second round of tryouts later that year.

4) Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an only child. I’ve been told I give off that “only child vibe”… whatever that means. I have an older half brother (Duwane) and a little sister (Falon) who’s 18. Recently, my dad told me his son (that he didn’t know he had) found him… I don’t claim him. I was over 21 after I found out about him… I’m good on siblings. Maybe that’s what ppl mean about the “only child vibe”…

5) When I was younger, my mom thought I was going to be an Engineer because I couldn’t stay away from Legos. Truth is, I hate math & science and like being around people too much to be an engineer.

6) I might have been a spoiled kid. My favorite Christmas present was my Barbie convertible. I insisted that my dad mow the yard in “lanes” so I would have “streets & highways” to drive on.

7) My mom calls me a sugar baby. I love anything sweet. Chocolate, cake, icecream, cookies, powered donuts…

8) Mom also calls me a junk food baby. There was a time in my life where I ate fast food at least twice a day, everyday. The absolute worst thing about the DMV is the lack of Jack in the Box, Whataburger, Taco Cabana, Sonic and easily accessible Chick-Fil-A’s.

9) When I was a kid, I always wanted to know how big I was in comparison to the “M” in Macys on the top of their building at the mall.

10) I’m pretty random. You may find me randomly highlighted on ppl’s facebook quote sections for saying things like "Why be a regular hoe? Video hoes get paid!"

11) I don’t like spoilers on cars. I have this theory about monkey’s being able to hang from them.

12) So far, my greatest accomplishment was buying a home when I was 22. My grandma was all about being an independent woman and she would have been thrilled.

13) I’m an all or nothing type of person. Stay on my good side… because the bad side gets ugly.

14) I’m honest. I’ve lost friends because they’ve asked for the truth… and I gave it to them… but they didn’t like what I had to say. I might apologize for hurting your feelings, but I don’t apologize for feeling the way I do.

15) I like to go out, mostly because I like to dance. I dance in the morning getting ready for work, when I’m cleaning the house or really when there is music being played. Also, I usually exhibit an uncanny amount of crunkness while dancing.

16) I consider myself to be a great friend. Disclaimer: I’m really terrible at calling people, or finishing emails that I’ve started to you… but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or think about you. Text me, and I’ll respond right away. If you need advice, a budget, a cuddle buddy or some retail therapy… I’m your girl.

17) I’m hungry, now… always.

18) I have a LOT of energy. Even more when I’m tired. Tell me to sit down somewhere and I’ll get it together.

19) I like to be right. I actually have this theory that I’m usually always right. Don’t bother disagreeing with me… well… because… I’m right.

20) I can prove to be an embarrassment to you if we’re in public. Sometimes I can’t control how loudly I say things. Fortunately for you, I don’t say them and hide. I’m not afraid of confrontation.

21) I love birthdays, mine especially.

22) My favorite foods are Mexican, Italian and Soul food. Probably because they are the most saturated in fats… just the way I like it.

23) I can’t sing, but I love doing it anyway.

24) I’m a picture whore. I like to have the latest and greatest camera available. On the flip side… I’m pretty bad at posting pics on FB.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

M.O.B

I'm a girly girl.  I would never consider myself to be one of the guys, I don't drink beer, I can't sit through and entire game (on TV).  The exception is football.  Love football, plus the nice butts and physical aggressiveness involved doesn't hurt.  Generally, I'm more comfortable in a circle of guys, talking about sex and whether the girl who just walked by has an ass which outweighs the confusing situation going on with her face.

I can also be an emotional, confusing girl... Just like we all are.  However, I'd like to think that I'm logical, (on avg) 90% of the time.  I have found that the majority of women are...not.  I don't think some of them even know what it means to be logical (men involved or not).

Conclusively, I've found that bitches just aren't my thing.  I have maintained very few close friendships with girls and you know what?  The failures?  Well, I'm gonna go ahead and blame them, for two reasons.  I always think I'm right and this is my blog...I do what I feel!  Here are a couple of things women do that drive me to befriend testicles over tits:

1) If you're pretty and you know it, clap your hands. *clap, clap* I cannot stand women who look to their girlfriends to constantly compliment them.  That's what your man, faux boo, sideline groupies, parents and grandparents are for.  If my friend looks hot, of course I'm gonna give her an "Ooooohhhh! You look hot/pretty/etc".  But the "I feel so ugly today, do I look ugly?!" comment she makes to get me to say "Of course not, you're beautiful always!"...is only gonna piss me off.  In fact, it's caused me to give undesired responses like "maybe you should wear more make-up" or "maybe you should call in sick, because you look it".

2) If a man is trying to date you it's clear.  He's around all time time. He calls/texts/chats with you regularly during the week.  He pays for things when he says he's going to take you somewhere.  I don't want to talk to you about the seemingly obvious. "Why haven't I heard from in a week?!"  I couldn't tell you, because unless he's the last man on earth without a cell phone, a Google account or out of the country... He's probably not that into you.  No matter HOW busy a man is, he will always make time if he's interested.  This stands for anyone in your life.  I don't want to dissect every text/convo you ever had to figure out where the hell he went.  Ask him, because I don't know.

3) I don't understand spending $500 on one purse.  I've never understood it, I never will.  Supposedly it's a status thing.  The way I look at it is - "this broke hoe saved up for this one pricey ass purse.  She just has this one.  It's the only one you'll ever see because she really can't afford to have multiple".  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way.  I'd rather blow $500 in H&M.

4) I don't like talking about my feelings.  Feelings make you weak, vulnerable and susceptible to emotions you probably don't have a good handle on. Girls like to talk about their feelings ALL THE TIME.  Some of the biggest fights I've had with the people I'm closest to were because I held all my feelings inside and then just emotionally leaked and they had no clue what the hell happened.  Now, I understand that approach is flawed... I'm working on it.  However, one of the reason's my main bitch is the main bitch is because we don't have to talk about our feelings all the damn time.  Example:

Dana: I want some Jack Daniels and I need to grind on strangers.
Jerica: Noted.  Whatcha wearing?!
Dana: Jerica, why are you always plaguing me with details?!
Jerica: Because, clothes are important.

See?  We had an entire convo without having to talk about it all.  Jack Daniels?  She probably had an exceptionally obnoxious day at work and wants to kill everyone there more so than usual.  Grinding on strangers means that either A) We haven't done it in a while or B) Her main squeeze is working her nerves and grinding on a perfect stranger and then leaving him standing there when she's done, numberless, nameless and uncomfortably satisfied would suit her well that evening.

5) A lot of women have this "I don't need a man but I want him to fill up my tank" mentality that irks the shit out of me.  The idea of being a trophy wife or having some random dude funding my trips makes my skin crawl.  I'm not offended if I'm dating a guy and he falls back on going out so much because money is funny.  In fact, I appreciate your financial responsibility.  That doesn't make you cheap, or sorry, it just means all this Maggiano's is adding up!  I can't sit here and listen to you bash this man because he doesn't want to buy you last minute tickets to see Drake.  Stop being a gold diggin' hoe!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Truth

A few weekends ago, I found myself in an informal setting when I got hit with a 1-2-punch.  "I date white women because black women don't like black, educated men".  Pause.  Ummmmm, what?!

I've never participated in this conversation as often as I do living in the Washington, DC area.  In fact, at my school, I would argue we had the opposite problem.  Black men that wouldn't get a second look in DC were swooned over, simply because our selection was so small.  There is one guy that comes to mind who is a certified booger wolf, but apparently, always had females.  Aside from the fact that he was a booger wolf, he was also whack, so I never understood it... but hey.. do you.

Having a blog, here is my opportunity to put my take on the whole situation in the record books.

"Black, educated women think we [black men] owe them something"

The majority of my close friends are black, educated women who love a black, educated men.  The problem we face is that a lot of these men feel we owe THEM something because they aren't in jail, selling things illegally or being a sorry baby's daddy.  Since they did [gasp] what they are supposed to do, we should all marvel in their wonder.  Negative.  I did what I was supposed to do as well.  I didn't turn prostitute, have a bunch of kids or develop a drug problem.  However, that means I think I'm "too good". I have been fortunate to only date guys that aren't threatened by the fact that I don't need them to survive.  If a strong, black woman threatens you... perhaps you are better off expanding your horizons.

"We only have two options, hood rats or educated girls"

I'm certain this statement is wildly inaccurate.  You simply can't place black women in to those two small categories.  I understand what he was implying.  Some educated men have an issue of not being "hood" enough for women they approach.  If a few girls feel you don't possess an adequate level of gangster... don't keep up on the whole bunch.  I don't see the necessity in running around shooting people... some people are turned on by that... however, I'm certain you can find a girl who will accept the fact that your most gangster moments are while cutting someone off in traffic or listing to a Young Jeezy CD. 

"Blah blah blah"



He wanted to continue the conversation... but me and my friend were trying to drink and have fun... not get all serious!  Here are my final thoughts... men, women, drop your sense of entitlement.  If you made your life choices to impress other people... you should probably reconsider your entire... life.  Hopefully, you've filled your resume with things you wanted to do.  At the end of the day, it's about how the person in question treats you.  Don't swear off a whole type of people because girls you've encountered (who happen to be black and educated) didn't follow this theory.  No, you didn't owe her anything.  Find another, keep it moving... but stop using something you are equally guilty of as an excuse.  Please and thank you.

To Date or Not To Date

I've been judged for being a serial monogamist.  "Date", "have fun", "you're young, you don't need to be in serious relationships"... I've been told.  Truth is, I like [love] being someone's somebody.  I guess being single and having fun seems appealing to a lot of people, but I'd much rather have my love by my side every night.  Maybe I believe in fairy tales...

Conclusively, that's some ole bulllllllshit!

I'm starting to have a better understanding of the other end of the spectrum.  Men are stupid.  All of them.  For one reason or another.  They do stupid things.  (Women are also stupid).  However, when you're not in a relationship...it doesn't make sense to deal with one person's stupid antics.  Too many other people will hang out with you and get you ice cream.  Either way, the formal dating process still doesn't appeal to me and here's why:


It forces people to be socially awkward - I don't want to go out with who you think I think you are.  I don't want you to hit me with your professional and private resume of great qualities.  At the end of the day, we all know you suck in one way or another... just like I do.  Let's just stop by Redbox, order a meat lover's pizza (with no pepperoni) and get to know each other.

It sets unrealistic expectations - This tight little black dress that shows off my teeny waist and my little curves and 4-inch heels are not what I wear everyday.  I don't normally wear make-up and usually sit "indian style" everywhere I go (outfit permitting).  You need to know in advance that I say ridiculous/offensive things all the time. That's who I am.  Similarly, men are usually exceptionally well-groomed for dates.  You smell nice.  In real life... you smell less nice.  I need to know ahead of time if I can deal with your man funk.  If I can't deal with your man funk, I can't deal with you.

It sets unrealistic expectations - Buying me dinner does not mean we're having sex.  Or that you can feel me up.  Pretty self explanatory.

Bottom line is this - You want to "date" me?  You have to engage me, request my presence and allow me to feel comfortable around you.  After we've done that, we can do the official dating thing.  Dates are way more fun if you're already comfortable with the person. One day all this will end in someone reeling me in and wife'n me up.  For everyone who missed the boat, I'll just be the one that got away.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Casserole, Scrubbing Bubbles, Sex, Popsicles

One of my darlings recently celebrated her birthday at Vapiano's (they have great Sangrias). While talking with some of her guests, I decided to do a little research for my next blog. I asked some guys what things they look for in a woman that make her stand out from the crowd. I expected the usual things I hear, logical, laid back, let's you do your fav activity (ie, video games, basketball,etc). Nope, none of that. The response: "Cook, clean, fuck, suck"

Now, I have a friend who often says I should teach other women a class about perspectives and approaches to dating. But this list, I just don't understand. I can understand the components, but the complete picture is severely flawed (in my opinion).

Cook - This is simple. People like to eat, men specifically. Having a woman that will prepare meals for you is awesome. That woman in my life is my mommy. They even noted that a woman who can't really cook, but tries to do so for you is ideal. Well, bitches like to eat too. And while I don't mind cooking for you, in fact, I enjoy it... I want you to do the same for me every once in a while. Even if its just a turkey sandwich. Additionally, if you can't really cook, don't keep wasting food that I eat just to be nice...just work on excelling at 1 or more of the 3 other requirements.

Clean - There was something said about him getting out of the shower and the bed has been made. I make the bed for two reasons and two reasons only: putting on clean sheets and fronting for company. That's it. I don't see the use in making a bed everyday, knowing you are going to get back in it. I don't think I've ever dated a man who was put off by the fact that I don't generally make beds. If anything, its one less obstacle in getting down to business. And no, we aren't just going to be butt-ass on my $250 Hotel Collection Duvet Cover. Uh uh, pull those sheets back!

Fuck - I get it.

Suck - Yep, understood.

But what about intelligence, logic, sense of humor, supportive-ness, etc? I would argue that you can easily find a girl that does these 4 things... But would you wanna actually deal with her on a day to day basis if she's dumb as rocks? Or has the personality of mole (I picked moles arbitrarily, because they seem boring). Or doesn't ever have your back at anything you do? That won't last long, even for a simple man.

I think men like to think they are super simple creatures, when you aren't. Because truth be told, you've probably weeded out several women who would do all these things for you. However if you insist that cooking, cleaning, fucking and sucking is all you need... By all means, please indulge while you can. Before maturity sets in....

Monday, August 9, 2010

What a Girl Wants

I'm pretty open about sex, as such, the conversation about what people like/expect out of their sex like is common conversation.  Here are my requests:

1) Foreplay.  I used to think foreplay was unnecessary.  I was young and could go like a bunny rabbit with a simple blink of the eye.  Then I got foreplay and was like "where the hell has this been all my life?!"  This should include several things: kissing, caressing, some hand holding, some "what do you want me to do to you" dialogue and the icing on the cake... head. 

2) Quickies.  If you can't produce a quickie... we can't get down.  Sometimes, I can function for a whole day off of a quickie.  No breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, midnight snack.  Just a quickie. 

3) Speaking of morning quickies.... no open mouth kisses first thing in the morning.  That shit is gross.  There is no amount of love that's going to make me french kiss you, pre-teethbrushing, mouth-washing or at least a few swigs of water. 

4) No marathon sex.  Ever.  I have a max, 35 minutes.  There is no way you can toss me, flip me, lift me, move me that will make me want to have sex with you for longer than 35 minutes.  At the 27 minute mark (yes, I'm keeping track) I'm going to ask you what I need to do for you to get you where you need to go.  My body physically rejects the idea of sex for longer than 35 minutes.  No, seriously.   I don't want to sweat my hair out or feel like I just ran from the cops.  It's not necessary, or impressive.  If anything, I feel insulted.  You can make your own deductions.

5) You have to cuddle me after.  Unless I just reached a moment of euphoria.  Then you have to cuddle me, very gently and when I say so.  Allow me to enjoy my moment in peace. 

6) Follow instructions.  When it comes to sex, I'm not lazy and I want all parties involved to be happy.  If I ask you a question, be responsive (it's usually for your benefit).  If I ask you to do something, do it.  Everyone wins. 

7) I think couples should have sex at least every other day.  Comply, or I get cranky.

The marathon thing.  I'm very serious about this.  Don't try me.  I'm going to give you my very well-known "screw face" if you do, and no one wants that.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I Love Her 'Cause She Got Her Own

My grandmother is one of my role models. More so than anyone else, I get my sense of independence from her. She raised 3 kids on her own and never asked anyone for anything. She always expressed to me how important it is to be able to take care of you and that you should never depend on a man for that. Her dad was useless and so was her babies daddy... So maybe her perception was a little tainted... Nonetheless...its the source of my development of the following views:

1) Digging for gold only gets you coal. Truth be told, it's not hard to find a man who will shower you with stuff. Men have different approaches to getting the pu-nan... And a lot associate material items with sex. You get that new Coach purse and he gets the cooch. For a while, you may not have an issue with that...but eventually you will grow up. And when you do, you'll realize that you're probably with a man who can shower you with material things but not love, support, affection, or true companionship.

2) If I want it, I can get it myself. It's nice to have someone surprise you with jewelry to show you they care... (by all means, don't stop :D) but expecting them to buy everything from your deodorant to your tampons, your sandals to your winter coat is ridiculous. What are YOU going to do for YOU if you require/let him do e-ver-y-thing?! More importantly, I think women too often associate whether or not a man is a "good" one by his ability to take care of you. The problem with that is that women don't seem to think men are allowed to expect the same thing. If I were a man, and I had a girl expecting me to fully provide for her, pay for every date, use all my gas going to see her... I would never marry her. How would I know she a) understands that relationships are 50/50 b) would be able to take care of me?

3) I can buy my own dinner, and yours too. This has been a hot topic in past dating-ships, relationships and conversations with friends about the expectations of men and women who are dating. I had a man who got upset with me because I paid for my own McDonalds during a study break. No, I'm not trying to insult your man-hood...but I'd have to pay for it if you weren't here... So what's the big deal?! and the first time I paid for his dinner, it was like this epic ordeal. We both work hard, and it would be selfish to think that my money is too precious spend but yours is not. Furthermore, I've heard women say that they won't kiss a guy at the end of the night who didn't pay for everything. What the fuck does paying have to do with kissing?! I also know some girls who are put off by the idea of a man using a coupon on a first date. What the hell difference does it make if he spent 100% or 75%?! You won't date him again because this man capitalized on a bargain?! As far as I'm concerned there are 3 general rules to determining who pays for a date:

A) If you say you want to take me somewhere, you pay.
B) If I say I want to take you somewhere (don't worry, it will actually happen), I pay.
C) If we mutually agree to go somewhere or try something out, we split it.

* If you continuously invite me places, I will offer to pay all or pay half at least 50% of the time.

4) One day, I will be barefoot, pregnant and useless. Knowing that I'm going to have to allow my husband to provide for me 100% makes my stomach queasy. So, if we are dating (and I could see myself marrying you), occasionally I'll say something like, "I've got this one... Because one day I will be preggers and useless". Don't question it, just give me a kiss and drink your drink.

* as usual, will edit any spelling or grammatical errors later

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

10 Signs....

Today, I received an email that claimed to be able to help me determine whether or not I'm dating the guy of my dreams, here's the article: 10 signs you are dating the guy of your dreams

Though I'm not dating... a girl can still dream, right?!

Aside from the fact that this writer has been married and divorced twice (which she takes the time to note) her 10 indicating factors are pretty f-in lame if you ask me! They all sound like they were written by a boy-crazy, semi-stalker.... and most of these things... you can feel about a friend... or a person you just like! 

Here are ten I can think of on my train ride home:

1) He understands that I believe in my heart I'm always right.  Or at least 90% right with no margin for error. And even though it is completely feasible that I can always be right, if the earth falls out of alignment and I mystically end up in that 10% window of wrong... He knows how to check me the correct way.  This means he'll hit me with a "Babe, think about it this way" versus a "Bitch, you're stupid".

2) I can be my actual self around him.  There are a lot of versions of me.  I've had boyfriends who had no idea how truly silly/random/sensitive/funny/brash/ass-holeish I can be.  A few didn't "allow" me to.  Like asking me to not curse, ever.  Yeahhhh, no.  I don't sing.  I can't sing.  But if my song comes on, best believe I'm gonna be a singing fool.  I do that around very few.  If you see all facets of me - high, low, weak, strong that's a sign that you can stick around.

3) You have to like to eat.  I'm a fatty.  Recently dubbed "Slim Fats" by one of my friends... It is very clear that I enjoy food.  If we can't go to Fogo De Chao and be in food heaven together, you aren't the one for me darling.

4) My man has to eat PORK bacon.  Period.  Not that fake turkey shit.  Real men eat real bacon.  I've been told that I shouldn't expect a man to be able to consume mass amounts of bacon and still be of any use to me when it comes to sex.  Well, I disagree.  Eat this bacon and then do me up reaaaal good!

5) He understands that my need to declare independence with men is fear driven.  And he can handle it.  I was let down by two of the most important men in my life; as such, letting you provide for me financially is a concept I can't wrap my mind around.  I've shown signs of progress throughout the years, but this will take some more time.

6) You give head. Period.  Can't marry or seriously date someone who doesn't.  Absolute deal breaker.  Nope. Won't. Fucking. Do. It.

7) You hold my hand and show me off. Nothing makes me feel quite like I do when you introduce me as your girlfriend with pride... Or show the world that I belong to you.  I had a serious boyfriend who never did this.  To me, its a clear reflection of how you feel towards me.  Saying it is cool... But having other people be able to detect it because of how we treat each other is great.

8) You get along with my mother. The older I get, the more I realize I did actually come from her vagina womb.  I am more like her than I ever imagined and I think some of my best qualities mirror her.  While my mom is accepting of everyone, her saying "I don't worry about you because I know ____ will take care of you" is a clear sign that I'm in good hands.

9) You are my person and I am yours.  I don't understand couples who don't consider each other their best friend.  That's like couples who don't have sex.  What's the point?!  I want to be able to talk to you about everything.  Share excitement with you and cry if I need to. 

10) I like non-traditional gender roles.  I understand this is a sensitive subject for the masses.  My dream guy won't "expect" dinner when he comes home.  We both work and mofo, I'm tired too.  However, a man who shows appreciation for me will be catered.  I will clean up after you, iron, cook, bring your food to you (even though I might not admit any of this in mixed company)... if I know that I'm truly appreciated.  A little appreciation and respect go a long way.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Don't buy this cow, milk it for free

My guy friend sent me a link to this blog, asking for my feedback: http://themochacafe.com/2010/07/01/sharing-the-lease-the-knock-off-marriage/

While I can respect her stance, I totally disagree with the entire argument. To give this post some credibility, I have the experience of living with a man (a former boo) for about a year. Even though I'm single and living Solo Dolo now, I'm still an avid advocate of "try before you buy". And here's why:

1) You never move in with someone as an alternative to getting engaged. That's dumb on your part. If you want to be engaged, tell him. If he's not on what you're on, don't "settle" for living together if that's not what you truly want to do. I didn't have engagement on my mind when we signed our lease. Why? Because this would help determine whether or not I truly want to take that step with you. One can easily say "I want to marry him", and I did. However, "I want to marry him and all the bullshit that comes with" is a completely different commitment. There are things you JUST DON'T KNOW until you've lived together, and most of those things... I'm not trying to find out after "I do".

2) Truthfully, if you decide to move in with a man... You've decided to play "House". And when you play that game, you are the faux-wife and he is the faux-husband. The beauty of the "faux" prefix is that you don't HAVE to do any of those things if you don't want to. You don't want to cook dinner every night, well simple bitch... Don't! What's he gonna do? Spank you (though I'm all for that ;))? Divorce you? Can't, he didn't put a ring on it. He will make a bowl of cereal if he's really hungry and watch a game on TV. If your concern is things not being "fair"...well sweetie, life isn't fair. And you are concerned with the wrong thing. If you can justify pulling all the household weight, because you have a ring and a title, you are caught up on the aesthetics. What you should concentrate on is a man who's appreciative of all you do and provides help either on his own or when asked. Just because you get the bling doesn't mean he'll ever appreciate you, same with kids. So suck that shit up and load the dishwasher knowing your man will help you unload it.

3) Space can be an issue when you share a place. The biggest thing I learned was effective communication. Saying "I need time for myself" and leaving is much different from "Fuck you" followed by a storm out. When I live with someone again, I will be sure we talk about that in the beginning. I need my time away too, and you have to know how to ask for it.

4) You get to see your best friend, everyday. When the world has wronged you, he's there to eat icecream out of the carton with you or wrestle with you or just hold your hand. You don't have to drive anywhere, get on the Metro...he's already there.

5) I believe marriages and serious relationships fail when people try to join two lives that have been separate for a long time. It takes work, living with someone. No doubt. But it teaches you a lot about the other person. If you really want to be engaged, you need to know how this person handles stress, finances, etc. Before you say your pre- "I do". If you live together first, that shit is worked out by the time you're married. If not, he wasn't for you.

6) While you don't have the title or the ring, you should never move in without the mutual understanding of how important it is to each of you. Are ya'll going to treat this like roommates or something more? I'm fortunate that we were on the same page as to the severity of this commitment. Do your homework.

7) Lastly, yes.. You were emotionally invested..and if it doesn't work out..it sucks. It would suck if you didn't live together. If you have to worry about the financial ruin you're in... You were with a true asshole. Because any monetary issues created while you were together should be addressed by each of you fairly post break up.

Bottom line, if you've resolved that its not a good look for you...so be it. But if I get a free pass for a sneak preview? Best believe I'm going to see the show.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Birthday Sex & Relationship Courtesy

Theme music for this posting....

From what I gather, people should be blogging about their worst sexual encounters today.  Being the relationship girl, I don't have much to report.  One of the beauties of being in a relationship (besides the companionship, hand holding, having someone share their last piece of cheesecake with you) is your genuine desire to make the other person's sexual desires and needs your priority.  As such, I'm just going to blog about something I was completely outraged over after a conversation with a dear friend of mine yesterday.

Side note about this friend:  I don't know how he knows, because we've never been intimate, but he can always tell when I've gotten some and when I haven't.  Apparently, my entire demeanor changes.  As such, I can talk to him openly about whatever is on my mind about sex, ask questions for a guys perspective, etc.

Anywho, my buddy celebrated his birthday this weekend.  So naturally, I ask him what he did and if he got any great birthday head/sex.  He said "no" to head [crickets] and then "no" to sex [louder crickets].  At which point, I had a rash response and told him he could never marry her.  Here nor there.  Here's the point.  You are in a committed monogamous relationship.  You'd be livid if he went and got birthday head/sex elsewhere.  This is your girlfriendly duty.  On this day, you are his sex slave.  You make your own homemade freaking whip cream and make it do what it do.  This man makes your bed (which makes no sense, because you're going to just jump back into it), he deals with your whack friends, he doesn't get sex from you on a daily basis and he picks up tomatoes from the store when you ask (even when he doesn't feel like it).  This is his ONE day of the year that's just for him.  Unless you are sick and dying, out of my presence for reasons beyond your control, as my boo.... you need to provide me mind blowing birthday head and sex.  Fuck cake, candles, flowers (though, I want all that too) GIVE ME HEAD!

And he better not put his tongue nowhere near her girl parts come her birthday.  You hear me?!  Better. Damn. Not.

What Not To Flaunt

As promised, this post is about characteristics, showpieces, antics that will not draw me closer to a man.

1) More so than any other rule, this one must be followed because it actually impacts me. Do not, I repeat (for the tards out there), put your hands on my waist, hips, ass, elbow, neck, shoulder, belly button... None of that! If the only way you can get my attention is by touch, an arm tap is the absolute furthest you should go. It's common sense that you respect one's bubble. If you insist on intruding, don't be inappropriate with it. Because you are a stranger, I have to be concerned with the germs you are passing off on me. Did you wash your hands after you masturbated last? If not, keep those puppies in your pockets. Nothing more disgusting than going home trying to figure out why your forearm smells like man goo. Gross.

2) Does your chain hang low? I appreciate the song just as much as the next southerner raised and surrounded by gold teef and gold plated neck wear...however, I'm not backing it up on you to "hold your [fake ass] ice". If you're 23 and up (and you are, because you verified by throwing your hand up when the DJ asked) you need to step your grown man game up. Period. Do you own a car? A home? Are you at least thinking about it?! Personal plug: I sell real estate. Do you have tangible goals to attain some sort of financial stability? Probably not, because you're throwing away money on trash. If you're in a market of throwing away money, I have some bills you could put in on instead.

3) Baby momma drama. I know we are all young at one point, make mistakes, etc etc... But keep your babies and their momma's away from me. A) I don't need your kid getting attached to me and calling me "mom". I'm 25 and child-less. That's not by luck; that's by design. And while your kid may be cute and cuddly and draw pictures and all that, my life plan is as follows: Continue taking baby-blocking drugs everyday until my husband and I decide we want to grace the world with our beautiful babies. B) I don't want any parts of the drama with your former fling. It's just not appealing. I don't need her calling me, texting me or giving me the side eye when your kid gives me a sticker.

4) Cheap gestures. I'm no gold digger. I make my own, I get my own. However, if you insist on trying to whoo me...please don't suck at it. Real life example: After a night out, I made my usual run to McDonald's. French fries are my drunk food o' choice. When I pull up in the drive-thru, there was a car in front of me and I noticed the driver trying to check me out from his side view mirror. I ordered my food and moved up to the window. When I go to hand over my debit card, the guy says (must be read with a heavy, native Spanish speaking accent) "The man in the car in front of you paid for you because he just thinks you are so, so beautiful and would like for you to give your number to me for him". Blank stare. It was two dollars and twelve cents. If you're usually successful at getting a girl's number after whipping out $2.12...maybe you should consider a different breed of girl. Then again, maybe not.

5) Whispering in my ear in a club. It IS loud in here, I give you that...but don't come up to me and whisper "All this in my pants, that's for you baby girl". Double ew.

6) Speaking of stunting... Your super nice BMW or Benz (or the like) would be impressive...if you had the swag to go with it. When you and your boys are parking lot pimpin' or acting like idiots outside of the club, it raises two questions: 1) Is that a rental? Because you are doing too much in order to be seen. If it's actually yours...people will see you in it...all the time. 2) Where do you live? If you share an apartment with all the mofos in your car in District Heights... You need to re-prioritize. If you can't afford a decent apartment on your own, don't over-invest in a luxury vehicle.

7) I know I'm fuck-worthy. Most people with vaginas are. But I don't need you to dirty talk me in public and I don't know you. You think it's appropriate to tell me how hard you'd do me. Good for you. I guess. Get the hell away from me. Nasty ass.

Friday, July 9, 2010

How many of us have them?

Over the years, some of the people who have burned me the most were people I considered to be my best friends. In the past 6-8 months, I have experienced some major life changes and in those changes, found out some truths about people that I considered to be irreplaceable. As a friend, I have a very definitive set of things I do for those I consider to be my friends:

1) Friendships work both ways, no matter the structure of your friendship. I have friends that I hardly ever speak to, text, email, etc. It's just the nature of our friendship. If we are ever in the same town, there is no doubt that we are going to hang out, catch up and have a great time. If you normally communicate via text, chat, phone, Skype, etc. it is the responsibility of both parties to keep this flow going. In general, I'm not a phone person, my friends know that I don't expect them to call me and shouldn't anticipate my calls. However, I will text/chat with you all day. It is still not solely my responsibility to initiate this communication. If I'm important to you, you will communicate with me in the means that you like most. For example, I have a friend who would prefer to talk over texting. So we try to alternate between the two. He will text for me, I talk for him.

2) Friends tell friends the truth. This is probably one of the things my friends would say they like least about me. However, I want my friends to be honest with me and I can only expect to do the same. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been burned by friends. I've over-exerted myself for them, only to receive nothing (not a favor when I needed it or a simple "Thank You" in return). Not only was I depressed for a semester of college when I realized those people weren't my true friends, it made me consider what I will and won't tolerate in a friendship. Some things might not seem like a big deal to others, but it's what I know is best for me. If you are my friend and you do something I can't tolerate, I'm going to tell you. I tell you because I love you, I want you to know why I'm acting differently towards you and I'd like to fix it. If you aren't my friend, you get nothing. As my friend, I expect you to do the same. Let me know I have wronged you versus me hearing from a third party that I pissed you off and you're no longer talking to me.

3) Friends are not selfish. I'm not Burger King, mofo. I like to please people, but I'm not a people pleaser. You want someone to tell you you're pretty or be around whenever you decide you're ready, keep rolling past this station because I'm not the one. I have a friend who has always used me. Used me to help plan her life, decorate her apartment, create her budgets but very rarely is open to do things for me. I try to keep in contact with this friend, because I truly care about her... But in every attempt she proves my point. I can never talk to her without her asking me to do some sort of favor. I've been through a break up, a lay off, a move, a job change, adopted a dog and she NEVER asks me about any of that. She just tells me what I said I would do and didn't. I don't mention all the times she has said she would visit me and hasn't. I've over-invested and now I'm giving that stock away to someone who will tolerate your bullshit.

4) Friends are there when you need them. Even if they don't continuously say so. I have a few people who actually "know" me. As such, I don't have to constantly tell them when I need a hug, a boob squeeze or some tequila. They just know and they check on me. I do the same for them. Note: If when I ask you if your doing alright, you always say "Nothing is wrong... I will tell you if there is"... I'm not going to do this as often. As your friend, I will drop/change all my plans if you say you need me. If that means I'm sitting and helping you drink half pitchers of margaritas (even though I'd already been drinking and I planned to stop for a few hours) I'm gonna do that. Because that's what will make you feel better. And in the long run, I will feel better too :D

5) Friends understand that you cannot always be their friend. I don't do well with needy friends. As previously discussed, I will tell you that I think you may have more needs than what I can handle. I warn you that I'm not good at maintaining those types of relationships. I will let you decide versus being a shitty friend to you. It may be best that we don't continue to be friends. With exes, this also applies. Any ex I've ever had, I can't be your friend at first. As my boyfriend, you were placed in a different category than anyone else in my life. Depending on the reasons we parted, I can try but probably won't be able to be cool with you instantly. I would love to maintain those relationships, but unfortunately you're still in that "he will never let me down" category. And friends always let friends down. Intentionally or not, and that's something I've learned I can't tolerate. If I keep trying anyway... Well damnit, you're special.

6) Friends don't flake on you without letting you know they are going to flake.  I understand things change, plans change, shit comes up, people get tired... we are all guilty of it.  There have plenty of times where I'm looking forward to going out all day long and when it finally comes down to it... I've lost the energy, desire, motivation.  If this happens, I'm going to give my friends the courtesy of letting them know as soon as I feel that way... so they can update their plans accordingly.  Friends ask you to do things because they care about you and they want to hang out with you; if you can't always do that... fine.  But show them you care about them by being a tad bit courteous. 

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The 4AM Post

If I could have stayed up later to prevent this, I would have... but I was just too tired.  Since I went to bed before 8:30PM, I woke up at 3:00AM with nothing to do.  This is just an assortment of random things that are on my mind right now....

1) White eyeliner, purple lip liner and the like - No one should be wearing either of these unless they are modeling in a make-up show or doing a photo shoot.  When you wear white eyeliner (especially if your complexion is dark) you look like a deer in headlights.  Purple lip liner.... you look like you just got punched in the mouth... all day long.  With either, you look outdated.  This was a huge trend when I was in intermediate/middle school... but it's 2010... vacuums can clean your floor without you... throw your white and purple pencils in the trash.  Don't even go green; some things need not be recycled.

2) Halters and tube tops at work.  I get that the dress code is casual in some work environments.  However when you are making your daily commute home, your attire should make me wonder what you do for a living... not what club you are going to/coming from.  I could maybe even tolerate a halter top at work if this was your first job and you honestly didn't know it wasn't acceptable.  But slut, you're 40.  Put on a real damn shirt before you show up to the place that pays you.

3) Infomercials suck.

4) I have really high expectations of people.  That usually hurts me more than it hurts them.  Why?  Because I unfortunately expect you not to make "seemingly obvious" screw ups.  Is it fair?  No.  Do I screw up?  Definitely.  I've had a lot of important people in my life disappoint me.  If I "flip out" on you, it's probably because you've done something I didn't expect and I don't know how to process it.  My apologies.  Will squeezing my boobs make you feel better?

5) I'm a great catch.  I have my flaws... just like everyone else.  I have things that I have resolved to work on just for me... but when you get right down to it:
  • I'm pleasing to the eye
  • I cook, bake, clean, do laundry 
  • I "have an addicting personality" - friend said it, not me
  • Intelligent
  • Driven, have my shit together
  • Super Supportive
  • Fun, sarcastic, silly
  • If you are the object of my affection, I'm gonna wanna have sex with you everyday.  Yes, everyday.  I can be "trained" to have less sex, but I'm programmed for daily delight.
  • I'm a great girlfriend, there are a lot of traits that go into that... I'll blog about it later....
6) I could use some Patron or Don Julio, right now. 

7) "It’s 2010. If you’re still not giving head, then you ought to be celibate." Courtesy of 20 rules of sex according to me.  You said it, pumpkin tits.

8) After introductory pole dancing class this past Saturday, I'm definitely signing up for more classes.  I was going to pay a personal trainer to help me get where I wanna be.  F that.  These classes are a 1/4 of the price, I'll get the same results, step up my sexy AND have a new skill set :o   Josephines... here I come!

9) I love my female DC friends.  You guys make life better.  Now let's go get some shots and grind on strangers!

10) Day parties... great f-ing idea.  It's not the prey-fest that clubs/lounges/bars lend you to and you can meet some pretty cool people.

11) I have a considerable amount of gangster in me.  Just a friendly reminder.


Forcing myself back to sleep.  Night all!

One time for the big girls....

This is not a blog that is intended to offend anyone, but it probably will.  I don't have anything against larger people and I don't think being small is the way to go.  In fact, being Texan.. I'm usually with the "bigger is better" mentality.

However, with all this said, I think people should be more considerate of others as well as spatial constraints in crowded areas.  So this blog is for fat (this does not apply to the thick girls, shine on) girls in the club:

Fat girls have more sweat than skinny girls. It's fact because they simply have more surface area. And they aren't afraid to attack you with it.

They generally roam in packs of 3 or more and move like stampedes.  Fast, fat and hungry.

Big burly manly bitches.  The dress doesn't fool anyone. You are a man.

Fat girls shouldn't try to move like skinny girls (in the club).  Physically impossible. Can't fuckin do it. So when you're laughing with your girls and you're wildin out, please be mindful of your limbs. That shit hurts when you hit me.

I recommend not wearing pleather, shiny spandex or full on animal prints.  I just don't think it's in your best interest.

You can't do the "Middle School Dance, girls circle with your shoes in the center" thing at the club. Consider this, compare the size of a circle made of Cheerios to one made of Glazed Donuts... Now, marinate on that.

Big girls need love too.  I get it.  But skinny girls need space as well.  As such, can you re-arrange yourself accordingly?  That's all I ask.  We can all dance and have a good time if you'd just be a little more mindful.  If I'm tipsy and "Get Silly", "Let Me See Yo Booty", "Pop, Lock and Drop It" or "Ride" come on... I can get caught up in the rapture and forget my "club bubble" I should be dancing in.  Fortunately, my friends help me keep that in check.  Big girls, bring your friends to the club that will act as that person for you.  And "no", not the ones that let you leave the house with all that Spandex.  She is not your friend.  I know a lot of guys... and I can't think of one that appreciates that.  Common misconception... lots of booty mass does not equal quality booty.

These are just the observations/requests of a skinny bitch.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Vent

Here's a request, don't put your hands on me like we share a sexual relationship.  It doesn't make me want to interact with you.  At all.  It's a violation of my personal space.  Perhaps I should compare this to doing something that would make you feel uncomfortable in this setting.  Like if you've got some extra weight around your belt, I'll grab your belly fat.  Or if you're short, I'll tap you on the head as I walk by.   After you've decided that you were going to do that anyway... I did the initial "pull away to keep you from touching me" but you made a second attempt.  When I swat your hands off of me, don't you dare push me (or follow it up by calling ME a bitch).  Oh, you decided to do that shit anyway?  Sir, you don't know me. I know I'm little.  I know I don't look like a threat.  Maybe you don't think I'm going to turn around and go hood baby on you or say anything at all.  I don't have to welcome your inappropriate touching.  When I make it clear that I'm not the one, respect that and keep it moving.  In the words of the great Katt Williams, "It's nothing man, it's nothing... This shit right here nigga, nigga right here this shit?!" this shit will get you fucked up.  Good night.

My apologies for the more than normal  # of curse words; I'm pissed.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Let's talk about this...

Toe Sucking. I have a major issue with this if you are not an infant. For those that do enjoy toes, I would imagine a baby's are the most enticing as they do not yet bear the wear and tear of life. Maybe my "mommy" genes haven't fully kicked in yet, but I don't want ANYONE'S feet in my mouth. I bring this up because a friend recently told me he had a woman suck his toes. He posed this scenario to Dana and I, looking for some sort of rationale. I have none. I can only deduce a few things about a girl who sucks man toes:
  1. She can't share drinks/food/lip gloss with me.
  2. She also enjoys pigs feet.
  3. The weird aftertaste you have from mixing freshly brushed teeth with milk doesn't bother her.
  4. She will allow you to put anything, anywhere.
Which led to his next question, "Is toe sucking like a gateway drug?!" Yes, yes it is. And you are her local pusher.

Death Penalty by Firing Squad. This article baffled me on my way to work this morning. A man in Utah elected to die at the hands of a firing squad. Here is an article about him.

Whether you agree with the death penalty or not, does a firing squad not seem a little odd to you? I know it sparked a lot of questions for me, such as:

  1. What's the selection process for the firing squad? Do they get paid over time?
  2. Is it like lethal injection in that families and other witnesses can attend?
  3. After the deed has been done (you know, he's been shot by a gang of people), who cleans it up?
  4. Do they remove the bullets for official records?

Finally, the article in the Express mentioned a few States having the firing squad as a back up in the event that lethal injection or the chair are declared unconstitutional. I'm sorry, I thought the whole debate was whether or not humans should "play God" and determine if someone lives or dies. I'm not sure how a firing squad is more constitutionally sound than lethal injection, unless you're in Texas. Anything can get blasted in Texas.

Chivalry is "dead". This is why. A while back, when leaving Filene's Basement, I witnessed an interesting scenario. The store has 3 sets of double doors. A young, professionally dressed, "well-kept" black man was at the door on the far left. Just as my friend and I approached this door, we noticed that he opened it for a young, white woman entering the store. Seeing this, the woman walked to the complete opposite door and left the man only with the ability to shake his head. What's this about?! Maybe she's doing the Destiny's Child "Independent Women" thing and would do this if any man opened the door for her. That doesn't explain the vivid fearful expression on her face. Maybe its a race thing. Maybe she's from SE DC and a nicely dressed black man makes her want to clutch her purse.

Forget her. I like to be self sufficient and all that jazz, but I do appreciate when a man opens a door for me or offers his seat on the Metro. However, I do not feel entitled to these things; you aren't going to get a stank look from me if you don't lay your blazer (Velvet, if you are African ;)) over a puddle so I don't get my toes wet. Women need to make a decision. Look for Captain Save a Hoe or don't. I'm not saying you are not entitled to a gentleman. I'm just saying if your ringtone is "She got her own", open your own damn door without feeling some kind of way about it.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Things that make me say "Hmmmmm"

I like to think that I'm a relatively simple girl.  Of course I'm complicated when it comes to my innermost emotions and such, but for the most part... I'm a simple girl.  I'm also a "serial monogamist".  Often, friends ask me how it is that I'm always able to find a good guy and they can't.  I don't have a good answer to that, as what is good for me might be terrible for them... or even that the grass isn't always as green as it looks. Either way, though I'm not in a relationship now, I have been very lucky in love.  I fully attribute it to what I look for / appreciate in a man that is to be my "boo".  Here are a few of the things (both meaningful and shallow) that impress me:

Sidenote: This post will soon be followed by one that details things that do NOT impress me.

1) You listen.  I mean REALLY listen.  I'm an open person for the most part it's not difficult to learn general information about me.  I'm a talker.  I have Facebook.  Anyone can figure out where I went to school, that I like to shop and that I love bacon.  However, if you remember the little things like... ordering my double cheeseburger with no onions or pickles or surprising me with a CD you remember me mentioning, I appreciate it.  There are things that I have major issues with, like my inability to deal with people letting me down.  This inability leads me to be very resistant to letting people in.  I can't let you in if you don't listen.  If we have met several times and on each occasion you ask "what do you do?", you have better odds of jumping off of a cliff and surviving than you do of getting more of my time.  I'm not asking that you remember my title, date of hire, supervisors name.... I'm just asking that you remember that we have had this damn conversation.

2) Attentiveness.  In addition to listening, it needs to be clear to me that I'm a priority to you.  I'm not saying you have to spend all your time with me, or be constantly under me while we're together. I just like to know that you're concerned with me, whether or not I'm good... and if I'm not, you're willing to do something about it.

3) We can be goofy together.  I am easily tickled by things.  I do random things and have random thoughts that people can't always relate to.  I like having someone in my life who also has these random outbursts and feels comfortable sharing them with me... and also doesn't look at me crazy when I do it. 

4) I love blazers, ties, vests and a nice pair of drivers (boat shoes).  A man that will allow me to dress him is impeccably wise, and such a turn on.  These particular articles of clothing make my heart beat just a little (a lot) bit faster.  I'm gonna make you look good.  Some girls think that this is foolish of me, as I'm making you more marketable to other women... but it gives me a certain sense of pride.  Especially when someone compliments you and you give me the credit. 

5) You have to love to cuddle.  That's pretty much it.

6) You can fluctuate between being a "mover and shaker" to a "couch potato".  I love going out, dancing, and I love having my boo there.  I also love ordering pizza and watching movies on the couch all day.  I want you there for both.

7) You can stimulate me intellectually/socially/emotionally.  I can talk about pretty much anything; I love having a conversation with you that makes me want to do some research, make a conscious decision to do something different in my day to day life, or feel extra warm and fuzzy inside because you've tapped into my emotions.

8) I love to spoil my boo.  Some men don't know how to handle it.  I just want you to smile, say thank you and give me the business.  Simple as that.

9) You know how to make me feel comfortable.  I like confident men, but not aggressive ones.  Knowing how to make me feel safe with you is a huge deal.  Additionally, I don't handle stress the best... your ability to put me at ease will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Metro Courtesy

With my new found employment, I've had the pleasure of riding the Metro again. This post is from my Blackberry and are simply my requests for this Friday, June 4th.

1) Don't smell

2) If there are a ton of seats available, don't come sit next to me with all of your shit. I don't want to be smooshed up against the window because you have a purse, backpack stroller and a fanny pack. Get your own damn seat.

3) Let the old people sit down. They are old, they've earned it. And DC kids, don't roll your eyes at the old people who ask to take your spot in "Priority Seating"...

4)" These doors are not like elevator doors"... People hear it daily but apparently don't want to believe it. They will shut on your laptop bag, arm, wheelchair or child. You do not have a right of passage to yell at the Metro Gods because you've gotten yourself in this predicament. If anything, the train operator should pull off with your dumbass half in the door. After doing that, I bet you won't do that shit again. More importantly, if it's rush hour, calm the fuck down. I promise another train is coming in 2 (two) minutes... Unless you live on the Red line.

5) If you choose to ignore the request of the use of your common damn sense in #4, please heed this advice: After you have sacrificed your body, mind and dignity wrestling with the "sliding metal bastards" don't expect everyone that you've inadvertently violated on the train to be pleasant. No, I will not move. I will not relinquish my position holding the vertical poles and switch to monkey bar poles for you. You are not worthy.

6) Speaking of self worth, if you have determined that your life (or that of another) is not worthwhile, please resolve this issue in an area that is *not* a metro station. I'm very sorry that the only option you seem to have is to jump in front of a moving train or to push someone into one, however... I (and many other commuters) would really appreciate it if you stopped doing this. Especially during rush hour. Especially on the Red line. If you just can't find another effective method, could you maybe consider doing it at Huntington?

7) I don't want to hear your go-go bullshit. Turn it down or get some earphones (if you are blasting it from your phones speaker).

8) Don't fall asleep on me. I'm not your 'Sleep Number'.

9) Don't sneeze on the back of my neck. That shit is rude.

*I will spell check and format later*

Friday, May 14, 2010

Things I Hate

A while back, a friend sent me this video: Things I Hate

Here are a handful of things that I hate:

1) Crocs.  These are by far, the number one thing that come to mind.  Maybe it's because I have a small obsession with shoes; with a current total of 97 pair, I've never found the need to wear/own a pair of Crocs.  I actually find them to be disrespectful.  The rest of America woke up and put on some damn shoes.  What did you do? You failed.  I don't care HOW comfortable they are.  The only time they are mildly acceptable are while participating in water sports... because they are practical.   However, investing in a fancy pair of Crocs and wearing them (ever - in my opinion), but especially with work attire...completely unacceptable.  



2) Spoilers.  I've always hated spoilers on cars.  I have this theory that monkeys could hang from them.  You don't have to understand it, just an issue of mine.


3) Dumb inventions.  Have you ever been up late one night and really watched infomercials?  There is some stupid crap that you can own in just 3 easy payments of $19.99.  What really irks me are stupid AND arguably insensitive inventions like this:


This is a Hurricane Simulator at my local mall.  I grew up in Houston, Texas... relatively close to the Gulf of Mexico.  As a child, I was never particularly excited to go experience the thrill that is a hurricane.  I bet hurricane victims, like those who survived Hurricane Katrina, aren't lining up to hop in this machine and re-live the moment.  The money used to manufacture, ship and set up this concoction could have been used to actually assist those who have negatively been impacted by a hurricane.  Hmm, what an obvious ass thought!

4) DC kids. To be fair, most kids are loud, obnoxious and slightly ignorant... especially in large groups.  However, the DC transit system allows them to be these things anywhere, anytime.  While I'm unhappy with their technicolor sagging skinny jeans, I'm more annoyed with the following:
  • Why are you constantly dancing? Go-go music is questionable to begin with, but hopping back and forth at Chinatown metro station, during rush hour, while everyone else is patiently waiting for the Red line is less than appealing.  Stop it.
  • Why do you all have old Sidekicks that you use purely to torture the masses with your personal play lists?  I like to get things "All the way turnt up" just as much as the next gal, but not on the train.  Not in front of timid white people.  Since I'm dressed in business casual/professional attire, every white person on the Yellow line is looking to me for understanding.  I don't know why you are not abiding by one of the very few rules of the metro, please use headphones for audio equipment.  I don't know why you are wearing jeans that are both skinny and showing your butt.  I don't know why your group split up and entered all three doors of the train car (when the train isn't crowded) and are now yelling at each other from one end of the car to the other.  It also seems obvious to me that you stand closer to each other and talk.  White people, I'm just as confused as you are.  I'm not saying "don't be yourself, because white people are watching".  I'm saying that being in a group doesn't give you the license to be ignorant.  I'm saying that unfortunately we live in a society that still invests in stereotypes.  And while you are "just doing you" you are only perpetuating the things people think they know.  I personally, care a great deal that people think we are just loud, lazy and ignorant.. and that everyone who doesn't appear to be so is some exception to that rule. 
5) Lingering men.  I'm already pretty freaking shy when it comes to men hitting on me in a club/lounge atmosphere. If you approach me while I'm at the bar, and ask me if I want something to drink.. I'm going to say no.  Not because I don't like to drink, or because I wouldn't be really happy with a Long Island Iced Tea or Ciroc & Lemonade; I just already know I don't want to deal with you for the remainder of the night.  Aside from my personal assessment of my monetary worth, my last employer determined my hourly rate.  This rate well exceeds the price of one drink, as such... you are not allowed to linger around me for an hour after the purchase.  I can do the small talk, in fact... I might even be interested in what you have to say.  We can even dance for a song or two.  However, once I thank you again and tell you it was nice to meet you... you are not allowed to follow me.  When Dana and I are in our zone because "Blow the Whistle" comes on and she's doing her Cali thing and I'm patiently awaiting the Bun B, Texas reference... you need to step back.  When "Pop, lock and drop it" comes on... I'm going to get intriguingly low.  This is not your queue to try to jump behind me and get in on the action.  So instead, I politely decline and deal with your bruised ego and attitude.  This way, we avoid the whole situation of you feeling like I'm just a freeloading, rude bitch... I'll just buy my own drinks.

6) Fortunately, some DC youth came up with this list: Types of Bitches.  I have an addition to the list, #91 - Cookie stealing bitches.