My guy friend sent me a link to this blog, asking for my feedback: http://themochacafe.com/2010/07/01/sharing-the-lease-the-knock-off-marriage/
While I can respect her stance, I totally disagree with the entire argument. To give this post some credibility, I have the experience of living with a man (a former boo) for about a year. Even though I'm single and living Solo Dolo now, I'm still an avid advocate of "try before you buy". And here's why:
1) You never move in with someone as an alternative to getting engaged. That's dumb on your part. If you want to be engaged, tell him. If he's not on what you're on, don't "settle" for living together if that's not what you truly want to do. I didn't have engagement on my mind when we signed our lease. Why? Because this would help determine whether or not I truly want to take that step with you. One can easily say "I want to marry him", and I did. However, "I want to marry him and all the bullshit that comes with" is a completely different commitment. There are things you JUST DON'T KNOW until you've lived together, and most of those things... I'm not trying to find out after "I do".
2) Truthfully, if you decide to move in with a man... You've decided to play "House". And when you play that game, you are the faux-wife and he is the faux-husband. The beauty of the "faux" prefix is that you don't HAVE to do any of those things if you don't want to. You don't want to cook dinner every night, well simple bitch... Don't! What's he gonna do? Spank you (though I'm all for that ;))? Divorce you? Can't, he didn't put a ring on it. He will make a bowl of cereal if he's really hungry and watch a game on TV. If your concern is things not being "fair"...well sweetie, life isn't fair. And you are concerned with the wrong thing. If you can justify pulling all the household weight, because you have a ring and a title, you are caught up on the aesthetics. What you should concentrate on is a man who's appreciative of all you do and provides help either on his own or when asked. Just because you get the bling doesn't mean he'll ever appreciate you, same with kids. So suck that shit up and load the dishwasher knowing your man will help you unload it.
3) Space can be an issue when you share a place. The biggest thing I learned was effective communication. Saying "I need time for myself" and leaving is much different from "Fuck you" followed by a storm out. When I live with someone again, I will be sure we talk about that in the beginning. I need my time away too, and you have to know how to ask for it.
4) You get to see your best friend, everyday. When the world has wronged you, he's there to eat icecream out of the carton with you or wrestle with you or just hold your hand. You don't have to drive anywhere, get on the Metro...he's already there.
5) I believe marriages and serious relationships fail when people try to join two lives that have been separate for a long time. It takes work, living with someone. No doubt. But it teaches you a lot about the other person. If you really want to be engaged, you need to know how this person handles stress, finances, etc. Before you say your pre- "I do". If you live together first, that shit is worked out by the time you're married. If not, he wasn't for you.
6) While you don't have the title or the ring, you should never move in without the mutual understanding of how important it is to each of you. Are ya'll going to treat this like roommates or something more? I'm fortunate that we were on the same page as to the severity of this commitment. Do your homework.
7) Lastly, yes.. You were emotionally invested..and if it doesn't work out..it sucks. It would suck if you didn't live together. If you have to worry about the financial ruin you're in... You were with a true asshole. Because any monetary issues created while you were together should be addressed by each of you fairly post break up.
Bottom line, if you've resolved that its not a good look for you...so be it. But if I get a free pass for a sneak preview? Best believe I'm going to see the show.
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I just read the article posted, and I think that the two scenarios loosely referenced in both of your posts (your situation with your ex and her friend's situation) are not really comparable. I mean, CLEARLY this chick didn't need to move in with her man, marry him or do anything.
ReplyDeleteI think the situation varies depending on the individual. In cases where it doesn't work, people are often relieved that they didn't go through with a marriage. A wedding is waaay more expensive than costs associated with breaking a lease/moving out. If you're living a celibate lifestyle (and I know many people who are), living together probably isn't in your best interest. It's what works for the person.
Neither side should really be knocked or looked at condescendingly. Thanks Jerica for sharing your perspective. I can hear you saying everything you wrote. lol.