1) More so than any other rule, this one must be followed because it actually impacts me. Do not, I repeat (for the tards out there), put your hands on my waist, hips, ass, elbow, neck, shoulder, belly button... None of that! If the only way you can get my attention is by touch, an arm tap is the absolute furthest you should go. It's common sense that you respect one's bubble. If you insist on intruding, don't be inappropriate with it. Because you are a stranger, I have to be concerned with the germs you are passing off on me. Did you wash your hands after you masturbated last? If not, keep those puppies in your pockets. Nothing more disgusting than going home trying to figure out why your forearm smells like man goo. Gross.
2) Does your chain hang low? I appreciate the song just as much as the next southerner raised and surrounded by gold teef and gold plated neck wear...however, I'm not backing it up on you to "hold your [fake ass] ice". If you're 23 and up (and you are, because you verified by throwing your hand up when the DJ asked) you need to step your grown man game up. Period. Do you own a car? A home? Are you at least thinking about it?!
3) Baby momma drama. I know we are all young at one point, make mistakes, etc etc... But keep your babies and their momma's away from me. A) I don't need your kid getting attached to me and calling me "mom". I'm 25 and child-less. That's not by luck; that's by design. And while your kid may be cute and cuddly and draw pictures and all that, my life plan is as follows: Continue taking baby-blocking drugs everyday until my husband and I decide we want to grace the world with our beautiful babies. B) I don't want any parts of the drama with your former fling. It's just not appealing. I don't need her calling me, texting me or giving me the side eye when your kid gives me a sticker.
4) Cheap gestures. I'm no gold digger. I make my own, I get my own. However, if you insist on trying to whoo me...please don't suck at it. Real life example: After a night out, I made my usual run to McDonald's. French fries are my drunk food o' choice. When I pull up in the drive-thru, there was a car in front of me and I noticed the driver trying to check me out from his side view mirror. I ordered my food and moved up to the window. When I go to hand over my debit card, the guy says (must be read with a heavy, native Spanish speaking accent) "The man in the car in front of you paid for you because he just thinks you are so, so beautiful and would like for you to give your number to me for him". Blank stare. It was two dollars and twelve cents. If you're usually successful at getting a girl's number after whipping out $2.12...maybe you should consider a different breed of girl. Then again, maybe not.
5) Whispering in my ear in a club. It IS loud in here, I give you that...but don't come up to me and whisper "All this in my pants, that's for you baby girl". Double ew.
6) Speaking of stunting... Your super nice BMW or Benz (or the like) would be impressive...if you had the swag to go with it. When you and your boys are parking lot pimpin' or acting like idiots outside of the club, it raises two questions: 1) Is that a rental? Because you are doing too much in order to be seen. If it's actually yours...people will see you in it...all the time. 2) Where do you live? If you share an apartment with all the mofos in your car in District Heights... You need to re-prioritize. If you can't afford a decent apartment on your own, don't over-invest in a luxury vehicle.
7) I know I'm fuck-worthy. Most people with vaginas are. But I don't need you to dirty talk me in public and I don't know you. You think it's appropriate to tell me how hard you'd do me. Good for you. I guess. Get the hell away from me. Nasty ass.
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