You really thought that was a good idea?!

I set up this account months ago, and just wasn't sure what I ultimately wanted to blog about. I still haven't really figured out whether it will be a compilation of my day-to-day questions, observations, or concerns with the world around me.. or a journal of my life. Either way, I've been inspired as of late to just let out some things that have been bothering me. That other people apparently thought were good ideas....


Please pardon the frantic nature of this post. These are just observations as I saw them last night at The Park and made necessary notations in my BlackBerry.


1) Some of these antics are things I've never experienced until I moved to the east coast. First and foremost, no matter how lovely you think I am... that does not give the right to walk up to me, poke me in the belly button and say "So what's up?!". Nothing is up. Except for my new found urge to vomit. First, you feel the need to stand so uncomfortably close to me and second, you just poked me really hard in the belly button. And even with my lucid annoyance, I was nice enough to say "No thanks, I'm not interested". To which you decided to be offended, cock your head back, roll your eyes, and give me "the hand"! WTF, who told you that was a good idea in the first damn place?


2) The "belly button bandit" apparently brought his cousin, the "Staremaster". Again, I'm flattered that you think my friend and I are attractive. But who told you it was a good idea to stand squarely in front of us (your head stopping at boob level), give us the "once over" 4-5 times and then walk away. For the 12-20 seconds that you just did that, what was I supposed to do in turn? Do a spin? A model walk? Pose for a picture? We laughed it off the first two times you did it, but after the fifth?! Security!


3) Hey mister DJ. Quick question for you. I know you're trying to be innovative with the snidbits you yell over the music. "25 and up, put yo hands up!", "Ladies with real hair, where you at?!", "If you have direct deposit, throw yo hands up!"... wait! what?! Isn't direct deposit kind of the standard? Like Visa, or Kleenex? If we were in rural Wyoming... maybe it would be a legit question. But in Washington, DC? The mecca of young professionals? Do your market research, mister DJ.


4) Men with the laptop bags and backpacks. I appreciate that you're a hardworking citizen. I'm just curious as to why you had to bring your laptop bag with you to the club. I'm guessing you came straight from work, going home first was inconvenient, and you have work to get done. However, judging by the 3 drinks I've seen you inhale in the last 20 minutes... you won't be getting much (if any) of that work done tonight. I've come up with other possible reasons, and immediately was able to discount all of them. Can someone just clear this up for me?


5) Equally as mystifying as the men with the laptop bags are girls carrying big ass purses. It's equivalent to carrying a child on your hip. At a barbecue, this is completely acceptable. At a club, not so much. Stepping in the name of love with a child on your hip at the picnic is fun, stepping in the name of love with your big ass purse knocking out your potential suitors... bad business plan. One, you keep hitting me and others... and that's rude. Two, have you ever heard of a clutch!? They come in a variety of styles and colors. They can also accommodate a surprising amount of items: keys, phone, camera, lip gloss, tampons, cigarettes (gross), travel size lotion, deodorant, toothbrushes, spare panties, etc. What I'm getting at is... there is no reason for you to bring that BIG ASS PURSE. More importantly, if you are with a group of girls... who all have big ass purses, ya'll need to consolidate that shit. It's hot, there are minimal amounts of space and you and your bags are in the way.


6) You spot me from across the club, you parlay your way to my area...then awkwardly stand next to me and give me the side eye. You make me feel weird inside. Instead of just coming over and saying "hi", you've managed to make yourself look like a creep. And now I'm going to go dance somewhere else.


7) Men, your shoes... say a lot about you. Pastel rainbow-striped boat shoes. First and foremost, when you try to talk to me...I can't take you seriously. Second, where did you even get those? No, seriously...where? Because after I saw you wearing them, I Googled for 30 minutes and couldn't find anything comparable. Lastly, only flamboyantly gay men should be allowed to access that market share. If you're wearing it all willy nilly, you are stealing from their glittery gay shine. Not only is it a bad idea, but it's rude.


8) Finally, the sunglasses in the club. Merriam Webster defines sunglasses as "glasses to protect the eyes from the sun". Simple, right? Evidently the hell not! Because toooo many people are wearing sunglasses where there is no sun. Like in dark clubs. I think you're hazardous because it's like driving on a dimly lit road with no headlights on. You should be pulled over and ticketed. And your justifications? Pure nonsense. "They are for the hataz!" Or "It's to protect you from my shine". Bullshit. You suck and you look stupid.




... and you really thought that was a good idea?! Negative.