Saturday, January 21, 2012

It's be a long time, I shouldna left ya...

I figure I should make an introductory post before I just hop into my normal "angry" blogs.  I haven't written in quite a while - not because I'd run out of things to say - but because I've honestly just been too preoccupied to get anything down on virtual paper.  But, I'm back and I've got shit to say!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hates Acquired in 2010

Auto Maintenance Costs: My father is a mechanic.  Every car issue I had (while living in Texas) was resolved by purchasing the parts and taking it to my dad.  This whole “pay for oil changes, tires, rotations, fuel injection cleanings, washing” thing is getting super old.  All these brainy people are trying to figure out how to make fuel out of fart fumes, great.  Why don’t you make car that doesn’t need any of this crap?  Why can’t I just pay the car note and be done?  Furthermore, this whole tires thing.  I think America has it wrong.  The streets/highways of this great country are what is wearing my tires down.  Not I.  So why do I have to buy new tires?  Shouldn’t the State of Maryland be reimbursing me for the damage they’ve done to my personal belongings?  I vote yes.

Broke (Black) Young Professionals: I’m currently young (though 26 is knocking), black and broke.  HOWEVER, I was unemployed for half of the year.  We all know money doesn’t grow on trees, so for a while I had to play the “groceries vs cable” game.  I get that.  But for those who were consistently employed for the entire year… WTF do you do with your money!?  Why is it that we can never coordinate ANY event that costs money?!  I’m a planner, I try to give people advance notice to get their finances together.  People can’t commit to bowling because it costs $20 a person.  REALLY?!  I mean… really?  I’m tired of never doing anything because everyone is broke.  Let’s do better in 2011, please.  Thanks.

Boogerwolves That Think They Are Cute: Self confidence is an amazing gift.  And curse.  I’m not the world’s expert on attractive.  Pretty to me may be ugly to someone else.  Though, I will take this time to note that every girl with light skin and long hair is not automatically pretty.  Anywho, it’s the ugly ones who are overly confident and then excessively rude that get me.  Don’t get upset because you want to pass through this super crowded section of the club and I don’t bow at your command.  A, you’re a girl and that’s not my social duty.  B, you’re face doesn’t demand that kind of action from… any of us.  So politely say excuse me as you squeeze by and work on making your rude ass attitude compensate for everything else.

Bitch Type #6: Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches (from Types of Bitches): On several occasions this year, I’ve been placed in situations with women (& men) have come at me sideways and then didn’t follow through.  I understand.  I’m small.  Smiley and not threatening looking at all.  However, I recommend you not be confused to my reaction in the following scenario –

Jerica accidentally (& gently)bumps into girl while dancing.  Jerica immediately touches her arm and says “I’m sorry”.  Girl looks at Jerica then throws her drink at her.

Queue Jerica’s inner “hood baby” who instantly goes into “What the f*ck is wrong with you?!” while screaming in your face mode.  At this point, I’m requesting that you say something back… simply follow through.  Instead, this particular female just looked at me, blankly.  Then, when we are all escorted out… you and your friends want to apologize and say it was an “accident”.  You want to throw drinks and shit…FOLLOW THROUGH.

Bill Collectors: I’m not ashamed that I got behind on the majority of my bills while unemployed.  It’s the nature of the (non)business.  During this time, I grew to understand why people hate bill collectors.  It’s not just that they call 42 times a week, but that they don’t listen.  When you called, I explained to you my situation.  I also told you that I planned to make an online payment on a certain date.  So whyyyyyy when you call are you asking me if I can make a payment today?  I can’t, I’ve already told you when I can pay.  Do I want to set up a payment with you right now with a service fee of $10?  Why the hell would I want to do that, when I can pay on-line for free?!  Do I know that this is impacting my credit? Um, yes.  How about this?  How about you take the information I give you as fact and just make notes accordingly?  You’re not going to punk me into sending you $800 I don’t have.  Sooooooo don’t waste your time, or mine.  And don’t get mad when I get an attitude.  You’re interrupting MY day and reminding me of some crap I already know about.  Thanks.  Ass wipe.

Women’s Restrooms:  I’ve always hated this but in 2010, my level of hate was revitalized.  No wonder so many women in America are without men.  You hoes are nasty!  Sometimes, simply walking in the women’s restroom at the mall makes me want to vomit.  Between the un-flushed, pee decorated toilets, toilet paper and mysterious puddles on the floor, open tampons/pads in the stalls and baby poop left on the changing tables… It’s just too much.  I realize this is a graphic description, but you need to know what I’m dealing with.  Additionally, I’m like a mom in that I I’m always wiping down counters.  At the mall, the club, wherever a counter has been left trickled with soapy water… I follow up with a dry towel.  It just irks me that no one else cares.  And the cake topper of 2010 restroom annoyances was the girl who peed in a cup, then on the floor in the restroom at the club.  In front of everyone.  And left the cup on the counter.  The only one that I DID not dry in 2010.

I promise to try to write more consistently in 2011.  Happy New Year!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Get A Ring On It?

My friend sent me a link for the following book:

Now, I've never been engaged, almost married or married...I'm just a girl who is a serial monogamist and believes in a silly little thing called love.  One of my best friends (Brandon) would let you know that I don't read, as such... I have no idea the details behind all these bullet points!  However, there was a particular part of this outline that caught my attention, the (chapter?) titled "The Six Basic Guidelines For Women To Get Married".  I'm going explore these suggestions and of course... give you my 2 cents.

Insist on it

Bad idea.  Have you met/spoken to/dated any men in the last decade?  If so, you'd know the following - in general, men have a fear of commitment.  Something about not wanted to be tied down to one twat for their entire life.  If you can find one that is okay with only hitting and quitting you... you've got the whole ugly stigma that marriages carries to overcome.  You will never let him watch football or play a video game again, you withhold sex, make him hang out with your mom, you generally ruin his life.  If you want to "self insist", be my guest.  However, I'm sure that will ooze through your pores and he will sense it.  If you are adamant about insisting, especially a) before he's ready b) specifically during the first few dates c) before you're in a exclusive, committed relationship d) before you've exchanged "I love you's" e) before he's missed an event he would not otherwise miss (for God or Country) to be with you...I'd suggest you be prepared to cry in a corner like a little bitch.  Don't insist, just be you.  If it's for him, it's for him.  You don't want to end up with someone forever because you "insisted".

If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on
This one isn't bad.  Just move on for the right reasons.  If you're happy (progressing, growing) but you don't hear wedding bells.. don't split.  Everyone's internal clocks tick differently.  Look at the big picture... is your haste worth 86-ing your (current) relationship status?  Don't get me wrong, I figure most people in my age bracket (25 - 30) should be past their childish ways and should be able to make this assessment in a few years.  Don't wait on someone for 8 years.  If they can deal with your ass for that long, they could have married you!

Love yourself first
This is a good one.  Do it.

Commit yourself to the idea of getting married
I believe that if you need to mentally prepare for marriage, you probably shouldn't be so pressed to have it.  Marriage is a natural progression.  If you eat, sleep, breathe marriage and it doesn't magically appear... you're going to end up being miserable.  So try this... make a list of things you don't like about yourself (not cosmetic).. and do just that.  Work on 'em.  You can even make a list of what you want in a man (not cosmetic OR superficial)... and when you meet someone... see if they possess those characteristics.  Commit to yourself, then a man, then marriage (when you're both ready).

Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance

I want to tell you to be you, appearance doesn't matter... but this is America.  And truth be told, even the most hobo of men won't approach you if you look like Amy Whinehouse.  Your milkshake still has to bring the boys to the yard.  Don't go on some crazy diet (probably not healthy) or purchase the Booty Pop (false advertising)... if you feel good about you.. it will show and people will be attracted to it.  Me, I'm a girly girl... but I'm also lazy.  I don't always do my hair, wash my face.. hell... sometimes I don't even shower everyday (just being honest).  I feel like I should be upfront about this with any man I date.  Because I'd prefer to hang out one-on-one at someone's house.. you are going to see a me you didn't see at a club, picnic, day party, happy hour, etc.  My hair will probably be all over the place and I'm likely going to be wearing a shirt with a hole in it.  That's me.  Take me or leave me.  This is hit or miss.  I guess I've been lucky? 

Time is running out—use time wisely in your search for the marrying man

What does this even mean?  Is there some sort of final mark-down clearance special on marriage?  I thought I'd be married, barefoot and preggars with my first kid by now.  In actuality, I'm single, drinking tons of Barefoot Moscato and fearing getting fat (via pregnancy) but welcome the huge boobs it will bring.  I do feel old sometimes, but rushing... blueprinting...scheduling a marriage P(lan) O(f) A(ction) probably won't get me there any faster. 

There is no magic trick, formula, outline.  Give it time.  You should only do this once.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

24 Things...

1) When I was little, my dream was to be Miss America. I had a portfolio and a few gigs, but quit modeling because my older cousin did. To this day, I somehow still think it’s my mom’s fault that I’m not Miss America.

2) I’m a shopaholic. Once, to prove that I wasn’t… I went on a hiatus. I didn’t buy anything (other than food) for 3 whole weeks. It was a terrible, terrible experience and it hurts thinking about it.

3) When I was in 8th grade, I missed cheerleading try-outs because I was the assistant director for the drama clubs one act play “The Bad Seed”. I was really sad about it, but they ended up holding a second round of tryouts later that year.

4) Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an only child. I’ve been told I give off that “only child vibe”… whatever that means. I have an older half brother (Duwane) and a little sister (Falon) who’s 18. Recently, my dad told me his son (that he didn’t know he had) found him… I don’t claim him. I was over 21 after I found out about him… I’m good on siblings. Maybe that’s what ppl mean about the “only child vibe”…

5) When I was younger, my mom thought I was going to be an Engineer because I couldn’t stay away from Legos. Truth is, I hate math & science and like being around people too much to be an engineer.

6) I might have been a spoiled kid. My favorite Christmas present was my Barbie convertible. I insisted that my dad mow the yard in “lanes” so I would have “streets & highways” to drive on.

7) My mom calls me a sugar baby. I love anything sweet. Chocolate, cake, icecream, cookies, powered donuts…

8) Mom also calls me a junk food baby. There was a time in my life where I ate fast food at least twice a day, everyday. The absolute worst thing about the DMV is the lack of Jack in the Box, Whataburger, Taco Cabana, Sonic and easily accessible Chick-Fil-A’s.

9) When I was a kid, I always wanted to know how big I was in comparison to the “M” in Macys on the top of their building at the mall.

10) I’m pretty random. You may find me randomly highlighted on ppl’s facebook quote sections for saying things like "Why be a regular hoe? Video hoes get paid!"

11) I don’t like spoilers on cars. I have this theory about monkey’s being able to hang from them.

12) So far, my greatest accomplishment was buying a home when I was 22. My grandma was all about being an independent woman and she would have been thrilled.

13) I’m an all or nothing type of person. Stay on my good side… because the bad side gets ugly.

14) I’m honest. I’ve lost friends because they’ve asked for the truth… and I gave it to them… but they didn’t like what I had to say. I might apologize for hurting your feelings, but I don’t apologize for feeling the way I do.

15) I like to go out, mostly because I like to dance. I dance in the morning getting ready for work, when I’m cleaning the house or really when there is music being played. Also, I usually exhibit an uncanny amount of crunkness while dancing.

16) I consider myself to be a great friend. Disclaimer: I’m really terrible at calling people, or finishing emails that I’ve started to you… but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or think about you. Text me, and I’ll respond right away. If you need advice, a budget, a cuddle buddy or some retail therapy… I’m your girl.

17) I’m hungry, now… always.

18) I have a LOT of energy. Even more when I’m tired. Tell me to sit down somewhere and I’ll get it together.

19) I like to be right. I actually have this theory that I’m usually always right. Don’t bother disagreeing with me… well… because… I’m right.

20) I can prove to be an embarrassment to you if we’re in public. Sometimes I can’t control how loudly I say things. Fortunately for you, I don’t say them and hide. I’m not afraid of confrontation.

21) I love birthdays, mine especially.

22) My favorite foods are Mexican, Italian and Soul food. Probably because they are the most saturated in fats… just the way I like it.

23) I can’t sing, but I love doing it anyway.

24) I’m a picture whore. I like to have the latest and greatest camera available. On the flip side… I’m pretty bad at posting pics on FB.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


I'm a girly girl.  I would never consider myself to be one of the guys, I don't drink beer, I can't sit through and entire game (on TV).  The exception is football.  Love football, plus the nice butts and physical aggressiveness involved doesn't hurt.  Generally, I'm more comfortable in a circle of guys, talking about sex and whether the girl who just walked by has an ass which outweighs the confusing situation going on with her face.

I can also be an emotional, confusing girl... Just like we all are.  However, I'd like to think that I'm logical, (on avg) 90% of the time.  I have found that the majority of women are...not.  I don't think some of them even know what it means to be logical (men involved or not).

Conclusively, I've found that bitches just aren't my thing.  I have maintained very few close friendships with girls and you know what?  The failures?  Well, I'm gonna go ahead and blame them, for two reasons.  I always think I'm right and this is my blog...I do what I feel!  Here are a couple of things women do that drive me to befriend testicles over tits:

1) If you're pretty and you know it, clap your hands. *clap, clap* I cannot stand women who look to their girlfriends to constantly compliment them.  That's what your man, faux boo, sideline groupies, parents and grandparents are for.  If my friend looks hot, of course I'm gonna give her an "Ooooohhhh! You look hot/pretty/etc".  But the "I feel so ugly today, do I look ugly?!" comment she makes to get me to say "Of course not, you're beautiful always!" only gonna piss me off.  In fact, it's caused me to give undesired responses like "maybe you should wear more make-up" or "maybe you should call in sick, because you look it".

2) If a man is trying to date you it's clear.  He's around all time time. He calls/texts/chats with you regularly during the week.  He pays for things when he says he's going to take you somewhere.  I don't want to talk to you about the seemingly obvious. "Why haven't I heard from in a week?!"  I couldn't tell you, because unless he's the last man on earth without a cell phone, a Google account or out of the country... He's probably not that into you.  No matter HOW busy a man is, he will always make time if he's interested.  This stands for anyone in your life.  I don't want to dissect every text/convo you ever had to figure out where the hell he went.  Ask him, because I don't know.

3) I don't understand spending $500 on one purse.  I've never understood it, I never will.  Supposedly it's a status thing.  The way I look at it is - "this broke hoe saved up for this one pricey ass purse.  She just has this one.  It's the only one you'll ever see because she really can't afford to have multiple".  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way.  I'd rather blow $500 in H&M.

4) I don't like talking about my feelings.  Feelings make you weak, vulnerable and susceptible to emotions you probably don't have a good handle on. Girls like to talk about their feelings ALL THE TIME.  Some of the biggest fights I've had with the people I'm closest to were because I held all my feelings inside and then just emotionally leaked and they had no clue what the hell happened.  Now, I understand that approach is flawed... I'm working on it.  However, one of the reason's my main bitch is the main bitch is because we don't have to talk about our feelings all the damn time.  Example:

Dana: I want some Jack Daniels and I need to grind on strangers.
Jerica: Noted.  Whatcha wearing?!
Dana: Jerica, why are you always plaguing me with details?!
Jerica: Because, clothes are important.

See?  We had an entire convo without having to talk about it all.  Jack Daniels?  She probably had an exceptionally obnoxious day at work and wants to kill everyone there more so than usual.  Grinding on strangers means that either A) We haven't done it in a while or B) Her main squeeze is working her nerves and grinding on a perfect stranger and then leaving him standing there when she's done, numberless, nameless and uncomfortably satisfied would suit her well that evening.

5) A lot of women have this "I don't need a man but I want him to fill up my tank" mentality that irks the shit out of me.  The idea of being a trophy wife or having some random dude funding my trips makes my skin crawl.  I'm not offended if I'm dating a guy and he falls back on going out so much because money is funny.  In fact, I appreciate your financial responsibility.  That doesn't make you cheap, or sorry, it just means all this Maggiano's is adding up!  I can't sit here and listen to you bash this man because he doesn't want to buy you last minute tickets to see Drake.  Stop being a gold diggin' hoe!

Saturday, September 4, 2010


A few weekends ago, I found myself in an informal setting when I got hit with a 1-2-punch.  "I date white women because black women don't like black, educated men".  Pause.  Ummmmm, what?!

I've never participated in this conversation as often as I do living in the Washington, DC area.  In fact, at my school, I would argue we had the opposite problem.  Black men that wouldn't get a second look in DC were swooned over, simply because our selection was so small.  There is one guy that comes to mind who is a certified booger wolf, but apparently, always had females.  Aside from the fact that he was a booger wolf, he was also whack, so I never understood it... but hey.. do you.

Having a blog, here is my opportunity to put my take on the whole situation in the record books.

"Black, educated women think we [black men] owe them something"

The majority of my close friends are black, educated women who love a black, educated men.  The problem we face is that a lot of these men feel we owe THEM something because they aren't in jail, selling things illegally or being a sorry baby's daddy.  Since they did [gasp] what they are supposed to do, we should all marvel in their wonder.  Negative.  I did what I was supposed to do as well.  I didn't turn prostitute, have a bunch of kids or develop a drug problem.  However, that means I think I'm "too good". I have been fortunate to only date guys that aren't threatened by the fact that I don't need them to survive.  If a strong, black woman threatens you... perhaps you are better off expanding your horizons.

"We only have two options, hood rats or educated girls"

I'm certain this statement is wildly inaccurate.  You simply can't place black women in to those two small categories.  I understand what he was implying.  Some educated men have an issue of not being "hood" enough for women they approach.  If a few girls feel you don't possess an adequate level of gangster... don't keep up on the whole bunch.  I don't see the necessity in running around shooting people... some people are turned on by that... however, I'm certain you can find a girl who will accept the fact that your most gangster moments are while cutting someone off in traffic or listing to a Young Jeezy CD. 

"Blah blah blah"

He wanted to continue the conversation... but me and my friend were trying to drink and have fun... not get all serious!  Here are my final thoughts... men, women, drop your sense of entitlement.  If you made your life choices to impress other people... you should probably reconsider your entire... life.  Hopefully, you've filled your resume with things you wanted to do.  At the end of the day, it's about how the person in question treats you.  Don't swear off a whole type of people because girls you've encountered (who happen to be black and educated) didn't follow this theory.  No, you didn't owe her anything.  Find another, keep it moving... but stop using something you are equally guilty of as an excuse.  Please and thank you.

To Date or Not To Date

I've been judged for being a serial monogamist.  "Date", "have fun", "you're young, you don't need to be in serious relationships"... I've been told.  Truth is, I like [love] being someone's somebody.  I guess being single and having fun seems appealing to a lot of people, but I'd much rather have my love by my side every night.  Maybe I believe in fairy tales...

Conclusively, that's some ole bulllllllshit!

I'm starting to have a better understanding of the other end of the spectrum.  Men are stupid.  All of them.  For one reason or another.  They do stupid things.  (Women are also stupid).  However, when you're not in a doesn't make sense to deal with one person's stupid antics.  Too many other people will hang out with you and get you ice cream.  Either way, the formal dating process still doesn't appeal to me and here's why:

It forces people to be socially awkward - I don't want to go out with who you think I think you are.  I don't want you to hit me with your professional and private resume of great qualities.  At the end of the day, we all know you suck in one way or another... just like I do.  Let's just stop by Redbox, order a meat lover's pizza (with no pepperoni) and get to know each other.

It sets unrealistic expectations - This tight little black dress that shows off my teeny waist and my little curves and 4-inch heels are not what I wear everyday.  I don't normally wear make-up and usually sit "indian style" everywhere I go (outfit permitting).  You need to know in advance that I say ridiculous/offensive things all the time. That's who I am.  Similarly, men are usually exceptionally well-groomed for dates.  You smell nice.  In real life... you smell less nice.  I need to know ahead of time if I can deal with your man funk.  If I can't deal with your man funk, I can't deal with you.

It sets unrealistic expectations - Buying me dinner does not mean we're having sex.  Or that you can feel me up.  Pretty self explanatory.

Bottom line is this - You want to "date" me?  You have to engage me, request my presence and allow me to feel comfortable around you.  After we've done that, we can do the official dating thing.  Dates are way more fun if you're already comfortable with the person. One day all this will end in someone reeling me in and wife'n me up.  For everyone who missed the boat, I'll just be the one that got away.