The 4AM Post

If I could have stayed up later to prevent this, I would have... but I was just too tired.  Since I went to bed before 8:30PM, I woke up at 3:00AM with nothing to do.  This is just an assortment of random things that are on my mind right now....

1) White eyeliner, purple lip liner and the like - No one should be wearing either of these unless they are modeling in a make-up show or doing a photo shoot.  When you wear white eyeliner (especially if your complexion is dark) you look like a deer in headlights.  Purple lip liner.... you look like you just got punched in the mouth... all day long.  With either, you look outdated.  This was a huge trend when I was in intermediate/middle school... but it's 2010... vacuums can clean your floor without you... throw your white and purple pencils in the trash.  Don't even go green; some things need not be recycled.

2) Halters and tube tops at work.  I get that the dress code is casual in some work environments.  However when you are making your daily commute home, your attire should make me wonder what you do for a living... not what club you are going to/coming from.  I could maybe even tolerate a halter top at work if this was your first job and you honestly didn't know it wasn't acceptable.  But slut, you're 40.  Put on a real damn shirt before you show up to the place that pays you.

3) Infomercials suck.

4) I have really high expectations of people.  That usually hurts me more than it hurts them.  Why?  Because I unfortunately expect you not to make "seemingly obvious" screw ups.  Is it fair?  No.  Do I screw up?  Definitely.  I've had a lot of important people in my life disappoint me.  If I "flip out" on you, it's probably because you've done something I didn't expect and I don't know how to process it.  My apologies.  Will squeezing my boobs make you feel better?

5) I'm a great catch.  I have my flaws... just like everyone else.  I have things that I have resolved to work on just for me... but when you get right down to it:

• I'm pleasing to the eye
• I cook, bake, clean, do laundry 
• I "have an addicting personality" - friend said it, not me
• Intelligent
• Driven, have my shit together
• Super Supportive
• Fun, sarcastic, silly
• If you are the object of my affection, I'm gonna wanna have sex with you everyday.  Yes, everyday.  I can be "trained" to have less sex, but I'm programmed for daily delight.
• I'm a great girlfriend, there are a lot of traits that go into that... I'll blog about it later....

6) I could use some Patron or Don Julio, right now. 

7) "It’s 2010. If you’re still not giving head, then you ought to be celibate." Courtesy of 20 rules of sex according to me.  You said it, pumpkin tits.

8) After introductory pole dancing class this past Saturday, I'm definitely signing up for more classes.  I was going to pay a personal trainer to help me get where I wanna be.  F that.  These classes are a 1/4 of the price, I'll get the same results, step up my sexy AND have a new skill set :o   Josephines... here I come!

9) I love my female DC friends.  You guys make life better.  Now let's go get some shots and grind on strangers!

10) Day parties... great f-ing idea.  It's not the prey-fest that clubs/lounges/bars lend you to and you can meet some pretty cool people.

11) I have a considerable amount of gangster in me.  Just a friendly reminder.


Forcing myself back to sleep.  Night all!

One time for the big girls....

This is not a blog that is intended to offend anyone, but it probably will.  I don't have anything against larger people and I don't think being small is the way to go.  In fact, being Texan.. I'm usually with the "bigger is better" mentality.

However, with all this said, I think people should be more considerate of others as well as spatial constraints in crowded areas.  So this blog is for fat (this does not apply to the thick girls, shine on) girls in the club:

Fat girls have more sweat than skinny girls. It's fact because they simply have more surface area. And they aren't afraid to attack you with it.

They generally roam in packs of 3 or more and move like stampedes.  Fast, fat and hungry.

Big burly manly bitches.  The dress doesn't fool anyone. You are a man.

Fat girls shouldn't try to move like skinny girls (in the club).  Physically impossible. Can't fuckin do it. So when you're laughing with your girls and you're wildin out, please be mindful of your limbs. That shit hurts when you hit me.

I recommend not wearing pleather, shiny spandex or full on animal prints.  I just don't think it's in your best interest.

You can't do the "Middle School Dance, girls circle with your shoes in the center" thing at the club. Consider this, compare the size of a circle made of Cheerios to one made of Glazed Donuts... Now, marinate on that.

Big girls need love too.  I get it.  But skinny girls need space as well.  As such, can you re-arrange yourself accordingly?  That's all I ask.  We can all dance and have a good time if you'd just be a little more mindful.  If I'm tipsy and "Get Silly", "Let Me See Yo Booty", "Pop, Lock and Drop It" or "Ride" come on... I can get caught up in the rapture and forget my "club bubble" I should be dancing in.  Fortunately, my friends help me keep that in check.  Big girls, bring your friends to the club that will act as that person for you.  And "no", not the ones that let you leave the house with all that Spandex.  She is not your friend.  I know a lot of guys... and I can't think of one that appreciates that.  Common misconception... lots of booty mass does not equal quality booty.

These are just the observations/requests of a skinny bitch.

Vent

Here's a request, don't put your hands on me like we share a sexual relationship.  It doesn't make me want to interact with you.  At all.  It's a violation of my personal space.  Perhaps I should compare this to doing something that would make you feel uncomfortable in this setting.  Like if you've got some extra weight around your belt, I'll grab your belly fat.  Or if you're short, I'll tap you on the head as I walk by.   After you've decided that you were going to do that anyway... I did the initial "pull away to keep you from touching me" but you made a second attempt.  When I swat your hands off of me, don't you dare push me (or follow it up by calling ME a bitch).  Oh, you decided to do that shit anyway?  Sir, you don't know me. I know I'm little.  I know I don't look like a threat.  Maybe you don't think I'm going to turn around and go hood baby on you or say anything at all.  I don't have to welcome your inappropriate touching.  When I make it clear that I'm not the one, respect that and keep it moving.  In the words of the great Katt Williams, "It's nothing man, it's nothing... This shit right here nigga, nigga right here this shit?!" this shit will get you fucked up.  Good night.

My apologies for the more than normal  # of curse words; I'm pissed.

Let's talk about this...

Toe Sucking. I have a major issue with this if you are not an infant. For those that do enjoy toes, I would imagine a baby's are the most enticing as they do not yet bear the wear and tear of life. Maybe my "mommy" genes haven't fully kicked in yet, but I don't want ANYONE'S feet in my mouth. I bring this up because a friend recently told me he had a woman suck his toes. He posed this scenario to Dana and I, looking for some sort of rationale. I have none. I can only deduce a few things about a girl who sucks man toes:

1. She can't share drinks/food/lip gloss with me.
2. She also enjoys pigs feet.
3. The weird aftertaste you have from mixing freshly brushed teeth with milk doesn't bother her.
4. She will allow you to put anything, anywhere.

Which led to his next question, "Is toe sucking like a gateway drug?!" Yes, yes it is. And you are her local pusher.

Death Penalty by Firing Squad. This article baffled me on my way to work this morning. A man in Utah elected to die at the hands of a firing squad. Here is an article about him.

Whether you agree with the death penalty or not, does a firing squad not seem a little odd to you? I know it sparked a lot of questions for me, such as:

1. What's the selection process for the firing squad? Do they get paid over time?
2. Is it like lethal injection in that families and other witnesses can attend?
3. After the deed has been done (you know, he's been shot by a gang of people), who cleans it up?
4. Do they remove the bullets for official records?

Finally, the article in the Express mentioned a few States having the firing squad as a back up in the event that lethal injection or the chair are declared unconstitutional. I'm sorry, I thought the whole debate was whether or not humans should "play God" and determine if someone lives or dies. I'm not sure how a firing squad is more constitutionally sound than lethal injection, unless you're in Texas. Anything can get blasted in Texas.

Chivalry is "dead". This is why. A while back, when leaving Filene's Basement, I witnessed an interesting scenario. The store has 3 sets of double doors. A young, professionally dressed, "well-kept" black man was at the door on the far left. Just as my friend and I approached this door, we noticed that he opened it for a young, white woman entering the store. Seeing this, the woman walked to the complete opposite door and left the man only with the ability to shake his head. What's this about?! Maybe she's doing the Destiny's Child "Independent Women" thing and would do this if any man opened the door for her. That doesn't explain the vivid fearful expression on her face. Maybe its a race thing. Maybe she's from SE DC and a nicely dressed black man makes her want to clutch her purse.

Forget her. I like to be self sufficient and all that jazz, but I do appreciate when a man opens a door for me or offers his seat on the Metro. However, I do not feel entitled to these things; you aren't going to get a stank look from me if you don't lay your blazer (Velvet, if you are African ;)) over a puddle so I don't get my toes wet. Women need to make a decision. Look for Captain Save a Hoe or don't. I'm not saying you are not entitled to a gentleman. I'm just saying if your ringtone is "She got her own", open your own damn door without feeling some kind of way about it.

Things that make me say "Hmmmmm"

I like to think that I'm a relatively simple girl.  Of course I'm complicated when it comes to my innermost emotions and such, but for the most part... I'm a simple girl.  I'm also a "serial monogamist".  Often, friends ask me how it is that I'm always able to find a good guy and they can't.  I don't have a good answer to that, as what is good for me might be terrible for them... or even that the grass isn't always as green as it looks. Either way, though I'm not in a relationship now, I have been very lucky in love.  I fully attribute it to what I look for / appreciate in a man that is to be my "boo".  Here are a few of the things (both meaningful and shallow) that impress me:

Sidenote: This post will soon be followed by one that details things that do NOT impress me.

1) You listen.  I mean REALLY listen.  I'm an open person for the most part it's not difficult to learn general information about me.  I'm a talker.  I have Facebook.  Anyone can figure out where I went to school, that I like to shop and that I love bacon.  However, if you remember the little things like... ordering my double cheeseburger with no onions or pickles or surprising me with a CD you remember me mentioning, I appreciate it.  There are things that I have major issues with, like my inability to deal with people letting me down.  This inability leads me to be very resistant to letting people in.  I can't let you in if you don't listen.  If we have met several times and on each occasion you ask "what do you do?", you have better odds of jumping off of a cliff and surviving than you do of getting more of my time.  I'm not asking that you remember my title, date of hire, supervisors name.... I'm just asking that you remember that we have had this damn conversation.

2) Attentiveness.  In addition to listening, it needs to be clear to me that I'm a priority to you.  I'm not saying you have to spend all your time with me, or be constantly under me while we're together. I just like to know that you're concerned with me, whether or not I'm good... and if I'm not, you're willing to do something about it.

3) We can be goofy together.  I am easily tickled by things.  I do random things and have random thoughts that people can't always relate to.  I like having someone in my life who also has these random outbursts and feels comfortable sharing them with me... and also doesn't look at me crazy when I do it. 

4) I love blazers, ties, vests and a nice pair of drivers (boat shoes).  A man that will allow me to dress him is impeccably wise, and such a turn on.  These particular articles of clothing make my heart beat just a little (a lot) bit faster.  I'm gonna make you look good.  Some girls think that this is foolish of me, as I'm making you more marketable to other women... but it gives me a certain sense of pride.  Especially when someone compliments you and you give me the credit. 

5) You have to love to cuddle.  That's pretty much it.

6) You can fluctuate between being a "mover and shaker" to a "couch potato".  I love going out, dancing, and I love having my boo there.  I also love ordering pizza and watching movies on the couch all day.  I want you there for both.

7) You can stimulate me intellectually/socially/emotionally.  I can talk about pretty much anything; I love having a conversation with you that makes me want to do some research, make a conscious decision to do something different in my day to day life, or feel extra warm and fuzzy inside because you've tapped into my emotions.

8) I love to spoil my boo.  Some men don't know how to handle it.  I just want you to smile, say thank you and give me the business.  Simple as that.

9) You know how to make me feel comfortable.  I like confident men, but not aggressive ones.  Knowing how to make me feel safe with you is a huge deal.  Additionally, I don't handle stress the best... your ability to put me at ease will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Metro Courtesy

With my new found employment, I've had the pleasure of riding the Metro again. This post is from my Blackberry and are simply my requests for this Friday, June 4th.

1) Don't smell

2) If there are a ton of seats available, don't come sit next to me with all of your shit. I don't want to be smooshed up against the window because you have a purse, backpack stroller and a fanny pack. Get your own damn seat.

3) Let the old people sit down. They are old, they've earned it. And DC kids, don't roll your eyes at the old people who ask to take your spot in "Priority Seating"...

4)" These doors are not like elevator doors"... People hear it daily but apparently don't want to believe it. They will shut on your laptop bag, arm, wheelchair or child. You do not have a right of passage to yell at the Metro Gods because you've gotten yourself in this predicament. If anything, the train operator should pull off with your dumbass half in the door. After doing that, I bet you won't do that shit again. More importantly, if it's rush hour, calm the fuck down. I promise another train is coming in 2 (two) minutes... Unless you live on the Red line.

5) If you choose to ignore the request of the use of your common damn sense in #4, please heed this advice: After you have sacrificed your body, mind and dignity wrestling with the "sliding metal bastards" don't expect everyone that you've inadvertently violated on the train to be pleasant. No, I will not move. I will not relinquish my position holding the vertical poles and switch to monkey bar poles for you. You are not worthy.

6) Speaking of self worth, if you have determined that your life (or that of another) is not worthwhile, please resolve this issue in an area that is *not* a metro station. I'm very sorry that the only option you seem to have is to jump in front of a moving train or to push someone into one, however... I (and many other commuters) would really appreciate it if you stopped doing this. Especially during rush hour. Especially on the Red line. If you just can't find another effective method, could you maybe consider doing it at Huntington?

7) I don't want to hear your go-go bullshit. Turn it down or get some earphones (if you are blasting it from your phones speaker).

8) Don't fall asleep on me. I'm not your 'Sleep Number'.

9) Don't sneeze on the back of my neck. That shit is rude.

*I will spell check and format later*

Things I Hate

A while back, a friend sent me this video: Things I Hate

Here are a handful of things that I hate:

1) Crocs.  These are by far, the number one thing that come to mind.  Maybe it's because I have a small obsession with shoes; with a current total of 97 pair, I've never found the need to wear/own a pair of Crocs.  I actually find them to be disrespectful.  The rest of America woke up and put on some damn shoes.  What did you do? You failed.  I don't care HOW comfortable they are.  The only time they are mildly acceptable are while participating in water sports... because they are practical.   However, investing in a fancy pair of Crocs and wearing them (ever - in my opinion), but especially with work attire...completely unacceptable.  

2) Spoilers.  I've always hated spoilers on cars.  I have this theory that monkeys could hang from them.  You don't have to understand it, just an issue of mine.

3) Dumb inventions.  Have you ever been up late one night and really watched infomercials?  There is some stupid crap that you can own in just 3 easy payments of $19.99.  What really irks me are stupid AND arguably insensitive inventions like this:

This is a Hurricane Simulator at my local mall.  I grew up in Houston, Texas... relatively close to the Gulf of Mexico.  As a child, I was never particularly excited to go experience the thrill that is a hurricane.  I bet hurricane victims, like those who survived Hurricane Katrina, aren't lining up to hop in this machine and re-live the moment.  The money used to manufacture, ship and set up this concoction could have been used to actually assist those who have negatively been impacted by a hurricane.  Hmm, what an obvious ass thought!

4) DC kids. To be fair, most kids are loud, obnoxious and slightly ignorant... especially in large groups.  However, the DC transit system allows them to be these things anywhere, anytime.  While I'm unhappy with their technicolor sagging skinny jeans, I'm more annoyed with the following:

• Why are you constantly dancing? Go-go music is questionable to begin with, but hopping back and forth at Chinatown metro station, during rush hour, while everyone else is patiently waiting for the Red line is less than appealing.  Stop it.

• Why do you all have old Sidekicks that you use purely to torture the masses with your personal play lists?  I like to get things "All the way turnt up" just as much as the next gal, but not on the train.  Not in front of timid white people.  Since I'm dressed in business casual/professional attire, every white person on the Yellow line is looking to me for understanding.  I don't know why you are not abiding by one of the very few rules of the metro, please use headphones for audio equipment.  I don't know why you are wearing jeans that are both skinny and showing your butt.  I don't know why your group split up and entered all three doors of the train car (when the train isn't crowded) and are now yelling at each other from one end of the car to the other.  It also seems obvious to me that you stand closer to each other and talk.  White people, I'm just as confused as you are.  I'm not saying "don't be yourself, because white people are watching".  I'm saying that being in a group doesn't give you the license to be ignorant.  I'm saying that unfortunately we live in a society that still invests in stereotypes.  And while you are "just doing you" you are only perpetuating the things people think they know.  I personally, care a great deal that people think we are just loud, lazy and ignorant.. and that everyone who doesn't appear to be so is some exception to that rule. 

5) Lingering men.  I'm already pretty freaking shy when it comes to men hitting on me in a club/lounge atmosphere. If you approach me while I'm at the bar, and ask me if I want something to drink.. I'm going to say no.  Not because I don't like to drink, or because I wouldn't be really happy with a Long Island Iced Tea or Ciroc & Lemonade; I just already know I don't want to deal with you for the remainder of the night.  Aside from my personal assessment of my monetary worth, my last employer determined my hourly rate.  This rate well exceeds the price of one drink, as such... you are not allowed to linger around me for an hour after the purchase.  I can do the small talk, in fact... I might even be interested in what you have to say.  We can even dance for a song or two.  However, once I thank you again and tell you it was nice to meet you... you are not allowed to follow me.  When Dana and I are in our zone because "Blow the Whistle" comes on and she's doing her Cali thing and I'm patiently awaiting the Bun B, Texas reference... you need to step back.  When "Pop, lock and drop it" comes on... I'm going to get intriguingly low.  This is not your queue to try to jump behind me and get in on the action.  So instead, I politely decline and deal with your bruised ego and attitude.  This way, we avoid the whole situation of you feeling like I'm just a freeloading, rude bitch... I'll just buy my own drinks.

6) Fortunately, some DC youth came up with this list: Types of Bitches.  I have an addition to the list, #91 - Cookie stealing bitches.